2 parte

 

 

If Bret Easton Ellis had written ASOIAF

 

Theon Greyjoy adjusted his embroidered tunic, Armani of course and fiddled

with the gold Chanel chain around his neck. He watched disdainfully as his

foster brother Robb followed his father up to the execution. God but Robb,

Jon and the rest had no real idea. He sniffed loudly. He should probably

consider renewing his prescription from the Winterfell apothecary. There was

a nice enough girl there who gave head in exchange for Summer Isle marching

powder. A severed head rolled down the hill, stopping just at the tip of his

hand-tooled leather boots. He looked at it blankly and then kicked it away.

In the distance he heard Robb yelling something at him and shrugged. 'It's

just a head' he said. 'Come on Robb you never seen a severed head before?'

Robb continued yelling. "Oh blow me,†muttered Theon. Tonight was the main

feast at Winterfell, he felt like getting loaded and maybe talking a couple

of the servant girls up to his room. He sighed and fondled the chain again.

Everything in life was just so kind of empty. He just knew he was suffering from

terminal ennui.

 

*****

The ship rocked from side to side. Theon shuddered. He wondered vaguely why

he was making this journey. Then shrugged. These things happened. Besides

yesterday he'd finally managed to get the captain's daughter to give him

head without being sick all over his silk designer clothes, which was an

improvement. He felt bored though. Nothing new, he always felt bored. But at

least in Winterfell there had been death and sex to distract him. There was

a timid knock on the door. Theon finished the last of his Summer Isle

marching powder, sniffed twice and drawled 'come in'. The captain's daughter

shuffled into the room. She was fat by Theon's standards - at least a size

6 - and clearly had no idea of the value of a table at Caprice restaurant in

King's Landing but beggars can't be choosers he supposed. He motioned to the

girl to get down on her knees. At least his morning blow job might relieve

his ennui.

 

****

Theon came round slowly. His head ached. He blinked and looked around his

surroundings. And shuddered. He was naked. Fuck, all that designer wardrobe

wasted he thought. He tried to remember what had happened. If only he hadn't

been cursed with such a short attention span (and of course the fact that he

was basically a symbol for the degenerate emptiness of today's youth - oh

sorry my Easton Ellis critique took over there for a second). He remembered

the blood and death and noise and fire as Winterfell collapsed and smirked

emptily for a second. People die all the time. It's just something that

happens. Along with sex. And drugs. His nose itched. God but he could do

with a snort. Suddenly it hit him. He wasn't just naked. He wasn't just

without his drugs, his drink and his designer wardrobe. He was hanging in a

torture chamber. For a moment he felt total fear. Then the whip came down.

For the first time in 21 years Theon Greyjoy was unable to say his primary

emotion was terminal ennui.

 

------

 

Author: sarah

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

ASOIAF by A.A. Milne

 

 

Chapter 10

 

In which we finally get to meet an Other again and Sam does a Very Grand

Thing.

 

The wind was still blowing and the snow, when it got tired of rushing round

in circles trying to catch itself up, came tumbling down until it found a

place on which to rest, and sometimes the place was above Sam's knees and

sometimes it wasn't, and for a very long while now Sam had been wearing a

white muffler round his neck, and feeling more snowy behind the ears than he

had ever felt before. As he stumped along behind everyone else a hum started

forming in his head. It seemed to him a very Bad Hum, such as repeats itself

maddeningly again and again, insisting on reminding you of unpleasant things

when you really would rather imagine that it was eleven o'clock and time for

a little smackerel of something, but it wouldn't go away :

 

The more it snows

(We're all going to die)

The more it goes

(We're all going to die)

The more it goes

(We're all going to die)

On snowing.

And nobody knows

(We're all going to die)

How cold my toes

(We're all going to die)

How cold my toes

(We're all going to die)

Are growing.

 

Those ravens went free

(I messed up again)

With no message from me

(I messed up again)

With no message from me

(I messed up again)

Of warning.

We'll lose all our fights

(We haven't a prayer)

See horrible sights

(We haven't a prayer)

And turn into wights

(We haven't a prayer)

By morning.

 

Jon's already dead

(I wish I was too)

And his father Ned

(I wish I was too)

And Dolorous Edd

(I wish I was too)

And so on.

I'm a cowardly klutz

(As everyone says)

I drive them all nuts

(As everyone says)

I haven't the guts

(As everyone says)

To go on.

 

 

Some short excerpts from "The Reader's Adventures in Westeros" by Lewis Carroll (and its sequel):

 

" Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked Jon.

"I know!" shouted Sam. "Because they're both used for sending letters."

 

* * * * *

 

"I want to see him fly!" cried little Robert, for about the twentieth time

that day.

"Yes, yes!" agreed his mother. "Sentence first - verdict afterwards."

 

* * *

 

"Why did you order the KG to strip and beat me?" sobbed Sansa.

"To teach you a lesson because your brother is a traitor," explained

Joffrey.

"What curious logic!" exclaimed Sansa.

"Not at all. That's the reason they're called lessons - because you've got

less on from day to day."

 

* * * *

 

The reader soon came to the conclusion that the game of thrones was a very

difficult game indeed. The players all played at once without waiting for

turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for possession of the Iron

Throne; and in a very short time both the King and the Queen were in a

furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting "Off with his head!"

or "Off with her head!" about once in a minute.

 

* * * * *

 

"That's a traitor for you!"

"I don't know what you mean by 'traitor'," Catelyn said.

Stannis frowned contemptuously. "Of course you don't - till I tell you. "I

meant 'that person won't accept my claim to be the rightful king when I

order him to'."

"But 'traitor' doesn't mean 'someone who doesn't believe you're the rightful

king'," Catelyn objected.

"When I use a word," Stannis said in rather a scornful tone," it means just

what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Catelyn," whether you can make one word mean so many

different things."

"The question is," said Stannis, "who is to be master - that's all."

 

* * * * *

 

The Queen of Thorns broke the silence by saying to the Redhanded Queen, "I

didn't invite you to Sansa's wedding to Willas next week."

The Redhanded Queen smiled triumphantly, and said, "But I do invite you to

Sansa's wedding to Tyrion this afternoon."

"I didn't know I was to have a wedding at all, " thought Sansa; "but if

there is to be one, I think I ought to choose the bridegroom."

 

* * * * * *

 

"Can you do Addition?" the nobles asked. "What's one claimant to the throne

and one and one and one and one and one?"

"It's a bloody mess!" responded the smallfolk. "We know that much at any

rate."

 

* * * * * *

 

"Try another Subtraction sum," said the Kingslayer. "Take his throne and his

life from a king: what remains?"

Brienne considered. "The throne wouldn't remain, of course, because Robert

would take it - and the king's life wouldn't remain, if I'd taken it - and

the king wouldn't remain, because he'd be dead - and my honour wouldn't

remain, because I'd have broken my Kingsguard oath to protect him - and I'm

sure I shouldn't remain, as you did! If they didn't execute me (which they

ought to); I'd kill myself, or take the black at the very least."

"Then you think nothing would remain?" said the Kingslayer.

"I think that's the right answer."

"Wrong, as usual!" the Kingslayer exclaimed triumphantly. "The dead bodies

would remain. Aerys, Aegon, Rhaenys for starters - and Elia, though they

didn't put hers on show in the throne room. And then a whole host of others

over the next twenty years. There's a dozen or so hanging in that tree right

now."

 

* * * * *

 

The reader was puzzled. "In our country," she remarked, "there's only one

season at a time."

Littlefinger was not impressed. "That's a rather dull way of doing things.

Now here, we mostly have summers and winters two or three at a time, and

sometimes in the summer we take as many as ten years together - for warmth,

you know."

"Are ten years warmer than one year, then?" the reader ventured to ask.

"Ten times as warm, of course."

"But they should be ten times as cold, by the same rule -"

"Just so!" cried LF (who must have picked up the expression from Syrio).

"Ten times as warm, and ten times as cold - just as I'm ten times as

unscrupulous as you are, and ten times as clever!"

 

* * * *

 

But the Dragon Queen drew herself up triumphantly and said, "Queens never

keep bargains."

"I wish Queens never trained dragons," thought Kraznys.

 

* * * *

 

"He's my prisoner, you know!" the Redhanded Queen said at last.

"Yes, but then I said I'd be his champion!" the Red Viper replied.

"Well, we must fight over him, then," said the Mountainous Knight, as he

took up his helmet, which was something the shape of a dog's head, and put

it on.

"You will observe the Rules of Battle, of course?" the White Sword in charge

of the battle area remarked.

"What, me? Him? You're kidding, aren't you?" said the Red Viper, and they

began banging away at each other with such fury that spectators who didn't

get out of the way of the blows had had it!

"I wonder, now, what the Rules of Battle are," the reader said to herself,

as she watched the fight, timidly peeping out from the relative safety of RL: "one Rule seems to be that if someone appears to be winning hands down,

he's just about to die suddenly and nastily. As with Renly, and Robb, and

everyone in Stannis' navy. Oh, and now the Red Viper too. Bother! I'd taken

quite a fancy to him. Never mind - at least I've got the hang of the Rules."

 

* * * *

 

"I like Littlefinger best," said the reader: "because you see he was a

little sorry for poor Sansa."

"He betrayed more people than Bolton, though," said her friend. "You see he

only pretended to help Sansa so that he could get her into his power."

"That was mean!" the reader said indignantly. "Then I like Bolton best - if

he didn't betray so many people as Littlefinger."

"But he betrayed as many people as he could," said her friend.

This was a puzzler. After a pause, the reader began, "Well! They were both

very unpleasant characters -"

 

------

 

Author: The Sea King's Daughter

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

And now--if Jack Vance had written a Game of Thrones...

 

********

"I confess that my feelings towards Jaime are perhaps, more ardent than are

the norm" stated Cersei, "but this hardly something I feel any great shame

about."

 

Ned shrugged. "It is jejune to suggest you might. However, getting caught

is, I'd say, something worth being a bit abashed about. In my humble opinion

of course."

 

Cersei laughed. "As for that, it is only your word against mine--and I can

easily make that a matter of my word only."

 

Ned nodded. "Indeed." He paced awhile on the veranda, and glanced at the

flickering sky. "You know it is wrong for us to fight in this manner. Winter

may come at any second, and the whole world would be plunged into cold and

ice..."

 

Cersei smiled luxuriously. "Why Eddard Stark, are you giving up thi--?" she

began only to have the statement terminated by Ned striking a quick blow to

her legs, causing her to make a most undignified landing.

 

Ned glanced at her amusedly, as he pulled a crossbow out of his jacket. "I

believe I have thought of a pertinent reason for us to fight however, and so

have decided to see this through to a successful conclusion."

 

Cersei stared at him with utter disbelief. "But you are a man of honour..."

 

"True, but I am not a stupid man of honour, nor do I wish to be a dead one

for some time now..."

 

------

 

Author: Rhialto the Marvellous

 

 

 

Enid Blyton - I believe someone requested her.

 

[Rather than an extract, you're going to get a synopsis this time - partly

because I don't have any of the books to refer to, and partly because the

plot has had to undergo some major changes. (Naturally - after all these are

*children's* stories.)]

 

The Famous Five consist of Jon, Robb, Arry and Sansa, and Arry's pet

direwolf, Nymeria - called Nymmy for short. Their home is a wonderful old

castle called Winterfell, in the North of Westeros. Jon is the cousin of the

other three children, but his parents died when he was a baby, so he lives

with his uncle and aunt. Despite her name, Arry is actually a girl - Arya -

but she insists on behaving and being treated like a boy, and in most of the

stories is mistaken for one on several occasions. They have a marvellous

time together, going on adventures, solving mysteries and foiling the plans

of criminals. (What happened to Bran and Rickon, you wonder? Sorry - but

this is the Famous Five, not the Secret Seven. Two boys and two girls is

ample - plus the odd extra child making a guest appearance in individual

adventures. In any case, our target readership is children aged about 9.

Younger kids aged 7 and 3 would be an irrelevant nuisance.)

 

In the first of the series - Five and the Secret of the Red Keep - the

children's father, Jon's Uncle Ned, who is something high up in government,

is invited to a place called Kings Landing by his old school friend, Robert

Baratheon, whom he hasn't seen for many years and who has been made king of

that country after the mysterious disappearance of all members of the former

royal family. He takes the children with him. Unfortunately King Robert is a

weak willed man heavily under the influence of his wife, the bad-tempered and

sly Queen Cersei. They have three children, to whom the Five take an instant

and justified dislike. Tommen, the youngest, is a fat, greedy little

cry-baby. His sister, Myrcella, is a silly little overdressed doll of a girl,

who refuses to join in any games lest she dirty her clothes or disarray her

hair - her doting mother is especially proud of her artificially curled

golden locks. But worst of all is the eldest, Prince Joffrey, a bully,

coward and sneak with pouty lips, and long hair like a girl - a real cissy!

The Five are rightly suspicious of Joffrey's villainous scarred bodyguard,

whom intelligent Nymmy growls at whenever she sees him. Disagreements come

to a head when Arry gets into an argument with Joffrey, who tries to hit

her. Loyal Nymmy comes to her defence, and knocks Joffrey over. The spoilt

brat screams for his mother, and insists that Nymmy made an unprovoked

attack on him and bit him, urged on by Arry. Hot tempered Arry, who is

straight as a die, indignantly rejects this account, accuses Joffrey of

lying, and at the instigation of Queen Cersei is shut up in her tower room

until she apologises. Meanwhile Nymmy is tied up in the stables, as a danger

to children, until she can be sent away. Desperate to rescue her pet, Arry

decides to run away, and is lucky enough to find a secret passage leading

from the fireplace of her room to the stables - and in other directions. She

unties Nymmy, and the pair of them hide out in the secret tunnels with which

the Red Keep is riddled, with the other children supplying them with food.

While there, Arry overhears a conversation between Queen Cersei and her

sinister father Lord Tywin, in which they refer to a prisoner being kept

secretly in the Keep. The Five explore the Keep, and in the end discover a

secret cell down in the dungeons, containing a girl who informs them that

she is Princess Daenerys, the true heir to the throne, who was kidnapped by

Lord Tywin so that his daughter and later his grandson could rule in her

place. Dany is basically a good sort, though being foreign royalty she does

have a tendency to family pride, and makes overmuch reference to being "the

blood of the dragon" until the Five cure her of this flaw by laughing at her

whenever she uses the expression. With courage and resource - even timid

Sansa plays her part gallantly - they trick Dany's giant brutish guard

(brother to Joffrey's bodyguard) and rescue Dany. King Robert, who knew

nothing of his ambitious wife's scheming, is only too pleased to step down

and make way for Dany to be Queen, since he found being king far too much

responsibility. Lord Tywin is arrested and imprisoned, and Robert decides to

retire to the country and devote himself to correcting, by stern discipline,

the faults his children have developed due to their mother's bad upbringing.

 

In the second book - Five Visit Dragonstone Island - the children go on

holiday to an island owned by a nobleman called Lord Stannis Baratheon, and

make friends with his daughter, a pretty little girl named Shireen.

(Greyscale? You're joking, aren't you? How do you expect the readers to

identify with her if she's disfigured?) Shireen is very unhappy because her

father and mother have come under the influence of a cunning criminal who is

masquerading as her governess. The real governess, we later discover, was

bribed not to turn up, and this impostor who came in her place is the wife

of the leader of a gang of smugglers, who use Dragonstone as a base for

their criminal activities, assisted by the governess' night time signals.

With a cunning mix of flattery and hypnotism, this woman, Melisandre, has

turned gloomy Lord Stannis against his jolly younger brother, Shireen's

Uncle Renly, so that he believes Renly is plotting to steal his title, and

keeps claiming that Shireen is lazy and uncooperative, so that she has an

excuse for setting the poor girl extra work and using the free time to carry

on her criminal activities. But the children soon sort *her* out, assisted

by Nymmy sniffing out the hiding place where she has cached her share of the

smuggler's loot, in one of the many caves. The smugglers return

unexpectedly, and it seems at first as if the children are doomed to die

when they are left tied up in a place that is underwater at high tide. But

Nymmy, who ran off when the smugglers fired a gun at her, returns and chews

off the ropes tying the children, and with the aid of the fisherman Davos,

whom they had palled up with earlier in the story, they alert the police in

time and the gang are arrested.

 

In the third book - Five and the Forest Mystery - the children are off to

the far north, where their stay at Castle Black is disturbed by rumours

among the superstitious country folk of strange supernatural goings on in

the "haunted" forest. Naturally the Five investigate, uncover a secret

passage under the Wall, have fun camping in the woods, and discover what

lies behind the rumours - a dangerous gang known as The Others who are

hiding out there, trying to scare people away by dressing up as zombies, or

"wights". Jon is kidnapped for a while by gypsies, who are angry because

they think he is spying on them, but escapes with the help of a sympathetic

gypsy girl named Ygritte. And of course, Nymmy is invaluable again, grabbing

one of the fake wights by the arm and refusing to let go, until the police

arrive and arrest him.

 

------

 

Author: The Sea Kings Daughter

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Tyrionspotting by Irvine Welsh

 

 

Ah started tae feel sick. What with the bairn screaming his wee head off, aw

that noise fae that wee size. But Cersei's a daft bird e'en if shae is mae

aun kin, and shae was determined to show the little bugger off tae her new

friends, Oberyn and Elia-a pair ay awright punters, like ah sais. So the

four ay us go doonstairs tae see the bairn. Ah could tell shae was not

awright aun account shae stretched intae the playpen and grabbed the little

bugger by his wee little prick and gies it a twist, and sets him aw tae

hollering so as ah couldna believe. And ah jis stood thair n sais nowt

because Cersei's a @#$!% radge #$%@*, e'en if at shae wis an awright bit ay

fanny. Thing wis, ah supposed ah loved her; ah suppose ah never really

stoaped.

 

------

 

Author: Euron

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Charles Dickens

 

The summer snow had fallen lightly on the north during the night.

Nonetheless the chill emanating from the crypt of the Starks was in no way

shape or form due to the precipitation. For as long as I can remember, I

have be drawn to the crypts, even though I feel it in my very marrow that I

do not belong. Many the time, playing with my dear half-brother Robb have i

felt the eye of the northern kings upon me. The only ancestors I know of are

interred here, but i am none of them....My primary name being Jon and my

surname being Snow, Snow due to my lowly state....

 

Later--

 

Dearest Arya burst into the godswood, "Mother is back and she is on the

Ram-Page!"...

 

 

Edgar Allen Poe

 

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a bump and stutter, In there

stepped a gentle giant, of the simpler days of yore. Not the least obeisance

made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But like i was a little baby,

perched me above his shoulders and he stepped towards the door. Stepped, and

stopped, and nothing more. Then this large mute beguiling my sad fancy into

smiling, By the glad and nice decorum of the countenance he wore, "Though my

legs be bruised and broken thou," I said, "art sure no token, large, simple,

lackwit pokin', His huge head inside my door. Tell me what the gentle name

is on the Night's Plutonian shore." Quoth the giant, "Hodor."

 

Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly, Though his

answer little meaning, little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing

that no living human being Ever yet was blessed with seeing giant in his

chamber carrying him towards the door, Huge lackwit with broken boy upon his

shoulders heading to his chamber door, with such a name as "Hodor." But the

giant, standing lonely on that stony tile, spoke only That one word, as if

his soul in that one word he did outpour.

 

"Giant!" said I, "lackwit boy! I need a favour, only this i must implore:

take me to Maester Luwin, in his chambers like before. Take me there, and

nothing more." But as we started marching, sudden fear had me lurching, and

my head smashed into the wall above my chamber door. The giant forgot to

crouch as he crossed my chamber door; forgot to crouch and smashed my head

above my door, and i screamed "be careful, I implore!" Quoth the giant,

"Hodor."

 

------

 

Author: Lurker X

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Stephen King

 

"Fuck," said Bronn, "I don't think they've come to wish us off." Bronn sat

on his horse and looked back down the ridge. Maybe a mile away through the

dense woods, perhaps a dozen horsemen were riding.

 

Riding towards him.

 

Him.

 

Bronn looked at his four sellswords that surrounded him (now looking

particularly anxious) and marvelled. Me, having sellswords, he thought.

 

"Hide!" he hissed at his men, and they obeyed, each darting behind a tree. A

couple had drawn their swords though they held them with shaking hands.

Bronn hid himself behind a large oak and heard the hoofs come closer.

 

Closer.

 

This was no time for diplomacy, and there was no way in the seven hells that

Bronn - however skilled - and four men of questionable loyalty could take a

dozen soldiers on horseback.

 

This required something different.

 

Bronn reached into his breaches and drew up the

 

(gun)

 

sword and looked at it. The strange women who had given it to him and called

it a magnum or something. It was an object made of metal, with a clear

barrel and a hand hold. the women had said that the trigger fired smoky

spirits and tore bodies apart.

 

"Fuck spirits," he muttered, "give me a sharp sword any day." But he had no

choice.

 

The hoofs came closer and Bronn turned around the tree and squeezed the

trigger of the

 

(gun)

 

sword.

 

KA-BLAM.

 

The first man's head was taken off at the eyebrows as he was flung

backwards. A dumb look of surprise creased his face. Surprise, surprise! he

thought insanely. All the horses reared.

 

KA-BLAM, KA-BLAM, KA-BLAM

 

When they were all down the gun in his hands was hot and the ground was

slick with blood. The silence that followed was deafening.

 

The sellswords were staring at him with looks of half awe and half fear.

 

Let them stare, he thought, let them stare and let them fear...I am the

Prince Who Was Promised.

 

His sellswords' looks of surprise turned to horror as Bronn turned the

weapon on them.

 

And fired.

 

------

 

Author: VarysTheSpider

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Matt Groening

 

Scene:

A grossly overweight and bald Ned sits under the heart tree, patiently

waiting for the arrival of Cersei. He is eating a club sandwich.

 

Cersei arrives.

 

Ned's Brain: Don't tell her you know about her incest.

Ned: I know about your incest. Grrr!

Ned: D'oh!

Ned's Brain: OK, that one slipped past, just don't tell her you're going to

tell Robert.

Ned: I'm going to tell Robert.

Ned: D'oh!

Ned's Brain: I'm getting out of here.

 

------

 

Author: The Prentice Boy

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Robin Hobb

 

 

Silently, I quested towards the wolf. A flicker of Ghost's consciousness

brushed my own, as he dreamed of stalking a large burly boar. Gently, I

removed my presence, and left him to his content slumber.

 

It had been a particularly bad attack. Several men were wounded, and others

falling from the Wall. I tired to concentrate, but the hunger kept pulling

at me. This pain had not troubled me for many months, but it came to reclaim

me with thoughts of Ygritte.

 

She was better off without me, with Sam. I could never have given myself

whole to her. I loved Ygritte, but my loyalty was first to my king. With

great effort and elfbark, I forced these memories from my mind, accepting

the great despair and depression that I knew would result.

 

There would be no welcome, no fanfare for me. But I had my wolf, and that

was all I needed.

 

------

 

Author: Ace Atheist

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

The Rebellion in a style according to Sir Thomas Mallory

 

It befell in the days of Aerys the second of the House Targaryen when he was

king of Westeros and ruled over whole of the land that he had a lovestruck

prince named Rhaegar. The prince made mighty dole for one of the fosterlings

of the lord of the eyrie were to marry with the maiden of his dreams. The

maiden was called a passing good lady and was sister to one of the

fosterlings who was friend with the other one of them whom she would not

fain to marry and her name was called Lyanna.

 

And now there came to be an event of great cheer for lady Lyanna's brother

Lord Eddard and his good friend Lord Robert for a great tournament were

arranged in witch the Victor would have great worship as well as his bride

which were to be crowned the Queen of love and beauty. Being married to Elia

of Dorne Rhaegar knew this to be the only chance that enabled him to declare

his undying love to lady Lyanna.

Thus Rhaegar prepared himself for the tournament in which he unhorsed many a

valiant knight and won the heart of many damosels and finally had the

greatest worship of the day when he crowned Lyanna Queen of love and beauty.

Lyanna went of with Rhaegar were none would find them upon which Lord Robert

and another brother of Lyanna Lord Brandon were mighty wroth. Lord Brandon

threatened to slay Rhaegar the crown prince upon which he were in an

unwholesome upon which ensued a trial in which the woody king Aerys had him

and his father killed during a dolesome trial and after which he requested

the heads of the lords Eddard and Robert.

 

Now the lords Eddard and Robert were mightily wroth upon the Targaryens and

decided to make mighty war upon them.

 

In the war deeds of bravery and treachery were made on either side. Of most

renown is the duel between Robert and Rhaegar beneath the fords of the

Trident were they both came with mighty force upon each other. They fought

long and hard and both were bleeding from many wounds when Robert smote

Rhaegar's chest asunder with his mighty warhammer upon which Rhaegar

whispered Lyanna's name with his dying breath

 

------

 

Author: Torrhen The Unlikely

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Westerosi Homes, In homage to Harry Graham

 

GOOD INTENTIONS

 

Peeping Bran saw something shameful.

Jaime gave the kid a shove.

Pity! Still, not really blameful -

After all, 'twas done for love!

 

 

A SILVER LINING

 

"There's been an accident," they said.

"Your brother met a boar. He's dead."

Thought Renly, "What a shocking thing!

Still, I'll make a better king."

 

 

A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY

 

Dany placed them on the pyre,

By his head, his heart, his legs,

Finding Drogo's funeral fire

Great for hatching dragon eggs.

 

 

QUICK THINKING

 

When crazy Lysa suffered her demise

An inconvenient witness saw it all.

Happily Petyr was quick to realise

He made a splendid fall guy for her fall.

 

------

 

Author: The Sea King's Daughter

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

A Game of Thrones as a Readers' Digest compact edition.

 

 

*Robert arrives at Winterfell

 

Robert: Ned, my man, come south with me?

Ned: Sure thing, bro.

 

*Later

 

Ned: So, family, I'm going south. Who's coming with?

Sansa: I'll go. I'm brainless. King's Landing sounds like a nice place.

Ned: Cool.

Arya: Me too, adventure rules.

Ned: Cool

Bran: Not me. I'm crippled.

Ned: Whatever.

Robb: Not me. I have to be Lord.

Ned: Whatever.

Jon: Not me. I'm off to the Wall.

Ned: You are?

Jon: Yeah.

Ned: Whatever.

 

*Ned, Arya, and Sansa head south. Someone tries to kill Bran.

 

Cat: I have to head south and see your father.

Robb: Whatever.

Bran: What do I care? I'm in a coma! There's nothing I can offer to the

dialogue.

 

*Cat heads south and arrives in King's Landing.

 

Cat: Hi, Petyr. Sorry about the whole rejecting you thing.

Petyr: S'okay.

Cat: So who's dagger is this?

Petyr: The imp's.

Cat: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can trust you, Petyr.

 

*Ned approached KL

 

Sansa: Are we there yet?

Ned: No

Arya: Are we there yet?

Ned: No

Sansa: Are we there yet?

Ned: N - Ah, yes, here we are. There's a tourney soon. Best get ready.

 

*Jon arrives at Wall.

 

Jon: Sure is cold up here.

Tyrion: Yep.

Jon: Sure is dangerous up here.

Tyrion: Yep...I'm going. See ya later.

Jon: Bye.

 

*Bran wakes up

 

Bran: Hey, I'm awake.

Robb: No one cares, Bran.

 

*Catelyn talks to Ned

 

Ned: Prepare for war. And don't do anything stupid.

Cat: Would I ever?

 

*Cat heads up the Kingsroad.

 

Cat: There's Tyrion! Hey, you, you're under arrest son!

Tyrion: Oh, bugger.

 

*Ned meets Jaime.

 

Jaime: Sorry, pard, I'm going have to cripple you.

Littlefinger: Look at the time, Sorry Ned, must fly.

Ned: I feel a headache coming on.

 

*Sam arrives at Wall.

 

Thorne: you look like a pig, Ser piggy.

Jon: Don't do anything or I'll set my wolf on you.

Thorne: Damn wolf.

 

*Ned makes a discovery. Robert gets killed.

 

Ned: Stannis would be the right choice.

Renly: Stannis?

Littlefinger: Stannis?!

Everyone: STANNIS?!

Ned: Now I definitely feel a headache coming on.

 

*Catelyn takes Tyrion to Eyrie.

 

Tyrion: I demand a trial by combat. Hey, Bronn, get over here!

Lysa: Arse.

 

*Later.

 

Tyrion: Hooray, I'm free! Woo-hoo!

Lysa: Double arse.

 

*Ned makes a decision.

 

Ned: I'm going to dethrone you.

Cersei: Er...okay.

Ned: Just thought I should let you know.

Cersei: Well...thanks, I guess.

 

*Later

 

Littlefinger: Sorry Ned, you are now captured.

Ned: I knew I should have stayed North.

Littlefinger: Sucks to be you.

 

*Meanwhile Dany gets it on with Drogo after Drogo kills her brother.

 

Dany: Hey, baby, lets go for Westeros.

Drogo: Sure thing babe, plundering rocks. Sex first, though.

Dany: Well, duh.

 

*Robb hears of Ned's capture.

 

Robb: I'm calling the banners...Oy, banners!

Karstark: You can trust me, my Lord.

Roose: You can trust me, my lord.

Robb: Aw...You guys...Let's go. I'll see you later, Bran.

Bran: Yeah, that's what they all say.

 

*Ned gets dragged to the Sept.

 

Ser Ilyn: ...

Joffrey: Confess.

Ned: Okay.

Joffrey: Off with his head!

Ser Ilyn: ...

Ned: Life's a bitch.

Arya: Nooooooo!

Ned's head: No, I was wrong, death's a bitch...Ow, my head...

 

*Tyrion meets up with his dad.

 

Tywin: Forget the Eyrie. You're fighting in the vanguard of this battle.

Tyrion: Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

 

*The next morning.

 

Tyrion: We won the battle. Phew. Shall we pursue them?

Tywin: No... that's just what they want us to do.

Tyrion: Huh?

 

*Jon goes to join Robb

 

Pyp: You dumbarse, Jon.

Gendry: Seriously.

Jon: Fine, fine, FINE! I'll head back.

 

*Robb moves through the Whispering Wood.

 

Robb: There he is, mum! The kingslayer. Let's move, men!

Cat: Gods save us.

 

*Later.

 

Robb: I've got him, tra la-la-la! Now on to Riverrun.

Cat: Gods save us.

 

*Tywin heas of Jaime's capture.

 

Tywin: Go south, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Kay. Can I take my whore? Whoa, just kiddingkdding, just kidding.

 

*Bran here's of Ned's death.

 

Bran: Stop coming back to me. I'm not doing anything!

 

*Drogo dies.

 

Jorah: Sorry, Dany.

Dany: Never mind, I've still got my dragons. Mwa ha ha ha!

 

------

 

Author: VarysTheSpider

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

W.S.Gilbert

 

GRRM (the emperor whose sway all cheerfully own)

 

 

Ill luck may strike all characters who

Within my books exist,

And innocents die,

But nonetheless I

Am a rigorous moralist.

I preach, to anyone tempted to

Hold others' lives too cheap,

That what you do

Will be done to you

And what you sow you'll reap.

 

My object all sublime

I have achieved each time -

To make the punishment fit the crime,

The punishment fit the crime;

And let my readers see

With mingled horror and glee

For sin appropriate penalty,

Appropriate penalty!

 

 

 

The spiteful weakling obsessed with his cause -

To be the Dragon King -

Earned nothing himself

But demanded wealth

With hysterical threatening

Of the unborn son of a khal. Their laws

He'd broken heedlessly.....

The sister he'd sold

Watched him crowned with gold

And thought, "No dragon he!"

 

The cynical jerk who to hide his crime

Pushed a child from a high window shelf

I sentenced to lose

The hand that he'd used

And see what it felt like himself.

"Better dead than crippled!" he'd said that first time -

But decided to put off dying,

Owned that he'd earned his fate,

Lessons he learned - too late?

Maybe - still, credit for trying!

 

My object all sublime

I have achieved each time -

To make the punishment fit the crime,

The punishment fit the crime;

And let my readers see

With mingled horror and glee

For sin appropriate penalty,

Appropriate penalty!

 

 

 

The murderous boy-king, whose every breath

Was a call for someone's pain

As a show of his power,

In his wedding hour

Was most abruptly slain.

He who'd delighted in dealing out death

Had met the self-same fate.

His bride's grandmother

Had decided his brother

Would make a better mate!

 

The rapist sellsword who picked on Brienne

Bit off more than he could chew.....

Bereft of an ear

In fever and fear -

She did some biting too!

But that was as nothing to what happened when

The Mountain reached Harrenhal.

He only lost four limbs -

He'd taken far more limbs -

But who can lose more than his all?

 

My object all sublime

I have achieved each time -

To make the punishment fit the crime,

The punishment fit the crime;

And let my readers see

With mingled horror and glee

For sin appropriate penalty,

Appropriate penalty!

 

 

 

The lord who degraded, with icy pride,

Whoever got in his way

By the son he'd frustrated

And humiliated

His debt was made to pay.

He who thought no-one mattered beside

His House's dignity

In the privy lay dead,

A whore in his bed,

Exposed for all to see.

 

The woman who poisoned her husband and lord

Then blamed a guiltless guy,

And as sentence, what's more,

Through her chilling Moon Door

Did her utmost to make him fly -

She married the man that she adored

And started life anew........

The heartless louse

Shoved her, his spouse,

And out of that Door she flew!

 

My object all sublime

I have achieved each time -

To make the punishment fit the crime,

The punishment fit the crime;

And let my readers see

With mingled horror and glee

For sin appropriate penalty,

Appropriate penalty!

 

 

 

The sociopath who inflicted slaughter

And rape in every place,

Who tortured a boy

For the theft of a toy

And burnt off half his face,

For what he did to the innkeep's daughter

He has now to pay -

The Red Keep resounds

To the fearful sounds

Of his screams both night and day.

 

Like Arya, only mine's a long'un,

I've "got a little list" -

The sadist, the flayer,

The serial betrayer,

The ruthless opportunist.

But what merited doom befalls each wrong'un

You'll have to wait to know.

It should make you smile,

But I need them awhile -

We've still three* books to go!

 

Still -

 

My object all sublime

I shall achieve in time -

To make the punishment fit the crime,

The punishment fit the crime:

And let my readers see

With mingled horror and glee

For sin appropriate penalty,

Appropriate penalty!

 

 

*Or possibly four!

 

------

 

Author: The Sea King's Daughter

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

F. Dostoevsky

 

 

"A hound, a hound, and a princess with her head smashed in," Ser Gregor

sang as he entered Prince Oberyn's chamber. That was what Ser Gregor did to

avoid suspicion.

 

"A princess" and suddenly The Red Viper looked with barely hidden irony at

him, screwing up his eyes and as if he were winking at him. (But perhaps it

was Clegane's fancy, for it all lasted but ten minutes.)

 

"He knows," flashed through his mind like lightning. Ser Gregor shuddered,

vomited, but immediately recollected himself. He had an unpleasant thought

that he need not have come here.

 

"Excuse me for my impertinence. I am really ashamed to be worrying you like

this." And as though that was a matter of no importance, Prince Oberyn

carefully offered a bone to each of the three dogs, which were stretched on

the rug with the portrait of Princess Elia on it.

 

Ser Gregor shuddered. His face twitched convulsively. "How observant you

are!" Ser Gregor smiled awkwardly, doing his very utmost to look him

straight in the face, but he failed, and suddenly added: "I say that because

I suppose there were a great many other Lannister bannermen with dogs for

their sigils... that it must be difficult to remember them all.... But you

remember them all and... and..." He shuddered and twitched. His nose started

bleeding profusely. "Stupid! Feeble!" Ser Gregor thought. "Why did I add

that?" He suddenly had a distinct sensation that he should not have come.

 

"But we know all who is eight feet tall, and you are the only one who hasn't

come forward," The Red Viper answered with hardly perceptible irony. He

suddenly fidgeted. He couldn't maintain his current pose.

 

"And in my distress I shall betray myself," flashed through Ser Gregor's

mind again. His thoughts were in a whirl. He was in terrible exasperation.

He could hardly breathe.

"And what if it's only my fancy? Perhaps it's all unintentional. Does he

know that Elia was his sister? When I rhymed 'whelp' with 'rape' he let it

pass.... I put that in cleverly about everything being Sandor's fault, it

may be of use afterwards... indeed... ha-ha-ha! You are wrong. You won't

catch me! It's all supposition!" All this flashed like lightning through Ser

Gregor's mind. He was shaking uncontrollably. He had a nagging suspicion

that he should not have come here.

 

"All these talk about smashed heads, recall to my mind a song of yours which

interested me at the time. 'On the Sack of King's Landing'... or something

of the sort, I forget the title, I heard it with pleasure at the Oldtown."

 

"My song? At the Oldtown?" Ser Gregor asked in astonishment. "I certainly

did write a song at the request of Queen Cersei, but I sent it to 'The

Lannisport Observer' under the alias of Amory Lorch."

 

"Very, very clever, but... it was not the part of your song about whether to

rape princesses before or after they are killed that drew my attention, but

an idea which I regret to say you merely suggested without working it out

clearly. There is, if you recollect, a suggestion that persons can... that

is, not precisely are able to, but have a right to do as they please, that

is if they are in the employ of the Lord Tywin." It suddenly seemed as if

Prince Oberyn was hiding irony. He also couldn't quite remain still.

 

Ser Gregor smiled at the exaggerated and intentional distortion of his idea.

(He saw at once where The Red Viper wanted to drive him.) "That wasn't quite

my contention," he began simply. "Yet I admit that you have stated it almost

correctly; perhaps, if you like, perfectly so." (It almost gave him pleasure

to admit this.) He still vomited. "I simply hinted, rather subtly if I may

add, that a Lord Tywin's bannerman has the right to pillage, especially in

case it has been made clear to him that if he wouldn't he himself will be

fed to a bear and his estate will be given to his brother whom he does not

really like that much."

 

"Yes, yes." Prince Oberyn couldn't sit still. "Your attitude to bears is

pretty clear to me now, and you've removed my anxiety as to the relations

within the Clegane family, but... Well, you see... I am a poet myself. It's

a playful, psychological idea.... When you were writing your song, surely

you couldn't have helped, he-he, fancying yourself... just a little a

three-headed dragon.... That's so, isn't it?"

 

"Yes," suddenly answered Ser Gregor, with an unpleasant sensation at the

very moment he spoke that he need not have said it. His hands were shaking.

He went into the cardiac arrest but quickly recollected himself.

 

"Then you are the murderer," The Red Viper suddenly concluded with barely

hidden irony. (He was experiencing trouble sitting still.)

 

"Murder? What murder? By that silliness I only wanted to get myself a new

horse, to obtain hauberks for Raff and Chiswyck. But I. I couldn't find the

Street of Steel," Ser Gregor cried in sudden angst. It was unbearable

torture. He vomited. He suddenly recalled Tyrion's words, "Go bugger

yourself, for you have written a lousy song, and say aloud to the whole

world, 'I am a bad song writer.'" (He trembled, remembering that.) He fell

to the floor on the spot. He experienced seizure, nausea, and abdominal

pain.

"It was I..." began Ser Gregor. He softly and brokenly, but distinctly said:

"It was I killed the Princess Elia and her children and raped them."

 

Prince Oberyn positively couldn't sit still. The Gold Cloaks ran up on all

sides. Ser Gregor repeated his statement eleven times in a row.

 

------

 

Author: Pl Secundus

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

If Helen Fielding (writer of Bridget Jones' Diary) had written

ASOIAF

 

Lysa Arryn's diary

 

Day One

Breastfeeding 6 times, men thrown out of windows none, weight 9 stone vg

Am in complete quandary over sudden arrival of Petyr back at Eeerie. Have

always fancied him but how to let him know? Do not want any stupid emotional

fuckwittage re his suspected lust for my sister. Is all very confusing

indeed.

 

Day Two

Breastfeeding 7 times, men thrown out of windows none, wine 10 units, weight

9 st 2 not so good

Am in foul mood. Peyr continues to ignore me no matter how often I parade

around semi-nude. What's a girl to do? It's very unfair. Found myself

over-eating to compensate. I'm sure he used to prefer me over that bitch

Catelyn when we were young. Only comfort is lovely son Robert, so clever, so

bright for his age. He asked me when we could make men fly again today -what

a wonderful imagination, I'm sure none of evil witch Catelyn's children are

half so bright.

 

Day Three

Breastfeeding 7 times, men thrown out of window none, wine 9 units, weight

9st 3. v bad

Cannot seem to stop eating. Petyr still refusing to acknowledge my womanly

needs. Even Robert seems fractitious. New serving girl v. thin not good but

seems no threat.

 

Day Four

Breastfeeding 6 times, men thrown out of window none, wine units 4, weight

9st vvvvv good

It has happened at last. Felt like heroine in Charlotte Bronte novel as

Petyr told me he'd always loved me but wanted to make sure I felt the same.

And he asked me to marry him. Excellent will have perfect riposte to stupid

Catelyn who stupidly lost her stupid husband and bought all this trouble on

the Eerie. Is most excellent day - plan to celebrate wedding by ceremonially

allowing Robert to throw as many men as he likes out of the Moon Doors. Is

shame I didn't keep hold of that dwarf for the occasion.

 

------

 

Author: sarah

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

 

ASOIAF as interpreted by Anthony Burgess, complete with Nadsat....

 

There was me, that is Arya, and my three droogs, that is Jaqen, Gendry, and

Hot Pie, who wasn't hot at all nor a pie, and we were in this bolshy castle

where we were all plennies. There were lots of chassos who I knew would

skorry grab a malenky devotcha like me for in-out in-out, but I wasn't gonna

let 'em. I missed my bratchny bratty Jon something awful, and every night

before I went zasnoot I was sure skazat the eemyas of all the lewdies I was

gonna treat to a little of the old ultra-violence.

 

There was also this evil ol' veck who used to make me put leeches on his

plott and pour his firegold. He was the boss. I wanted to bust out, but my

droogs Gendry and Hot Pie were nazz malchicks and I had to do a little

convincing. Jaqen wasn't so baddiwad but he changed his litso and left me

with only a cut, so I had to shive the chasso myself.

 

------

 

Author: Nichol Storm

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

If a load of monks from the 2nd century had written ASOIAF

 

In the beginning there was Eddard Stark, and he begot Robb Stark, and Sansa

Stark, and Arya Stark, and Brandon Stark, and Rickon Stark.

 

And then the wolves were found, and these wolves were grey, and these wolves

were dark, and these wolves were black, and these wolves were big, and these

wolves were like of a messenger from the Old gods, who are many, who are

nameless, who are forgotten, who are mysterious.

 

And then King Robert came unto Winterfell, and he told Eddard Stark to come

south, and his second begotten son, and his first begotten daughter, and his

second begotten daughter with him.

 

 

ASOIAF as a sea-shanty.

 

Does Arya kill bad

Some think she's sorta mad

If she killed her sis then many would be glad

And this looks quite likely as they never got along

Because she's the stupid bitch who be-trayed dad

 

------

 

Author: VarysTheSpider

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

 

ASOIAF as a sea-shanty: II

 

 

What shall we do with the bad king Stannis (3 times)

and his Melisandre.

 

Hooray a hole we're digging (3 times)

early in the morning.

 

Dig for him a hole and throw him into it (3 times)

with his Melisandre

 

Hooray a hole we're digging (3 times)

early in the morning.

 

 

ASOIAF as nursery rhymes

 

There was this Littlefinger

which was so annoying

and bad

that it made everyone

sad

when he scurried around

to were he was

bound

To plot his evil deeds.

 

There was this Lysa

who did not possess

her wits

when they were falling

to bits

from the eyrie on high

she would only

sigh

at Roberts happiness.

 

There was this Brandon

who was so stormy

and fierce

when emotions did

pierce

his brotherly heart

when doing his

part

for Lyannas honour

 

There was this Catelyn

who was a wife to

the hand

but she never could

stand

Her husbands stepson

and just argued

on

To make life sour

 

There was this Eddard

who was the

king's hand

that ruled over the

land

before ending up dead

when losing his

head

at Baelor´s sept

 

------

 

Author: Torrhen The Unlikely

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

The Westerosi Version of the Holy Bible

 

The lord and lady Baratheon begat Robert, Stannis, and Renly. And King

Robert begat Gendry, Mya, Barra, Bella, and Edric Storm, but not Prince

Joffrey, Princess Myrcella, or Prince Tommen, because the Kingslayer begat

them upon Queen Cersei.

 

And Lord Stannis begat Shireen, but naught else, for Lady Selyse was sorely

afflicted with facial hair. He did, however, begat Melisandre's

shadowbabies.

 

And Lord Renly didn't begat anyone at all, as he had a very special "friend"

named Loras with whom he spent all his time...

 

------

 

Author: Nichol Storm

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Monty Python II

 

(Lord Beric and his men are ambushed by Gregor's men. Beric is left dying

from a ghastly wound. Thoros rushes to his side)

 

Thoros: OH! The gods are cruel to do this to one so young and valiant. We

will carry on your quest, brave Ser Beric, fear not. You will not have died

in vain!

 

Beric: I'm not quite dead yet.

 

Thoros: Ser Gregor will pay for his crimes, not the least of which was the

mortal wounding of Beric Dondarrion.

 

Beric: I'm feeling a bit better. I think i might pull through.

 

Thoros: Rest, Beric, and recover your strenght while me and my companions

pursue Gregor's band for the honor of King Robert.

 

Beric: No, I'm fine now, really. I can come along.

 

Thoros: Farewell, sweet Ser Beric!

 

Beric: I'll .... I'll stay here then.

 

------

 

Author: Lurker X

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

A Song of Ice and Fire, By Elmore Leonard

 

Salla looked over at his friend. Onions, they called him, though his real

name was Davos. Folks said he'd never return from the Blackwater, but Onions

was a tough cookie. Stannis had had half his fingers off for smuggling, and

Onions just packed 'em into a pouch and carried them round his neck. Though

come to think of it, the pouch was gone now. Salla kinda wondered where.

 

"Onions, grab a seat" said Salla "I get you something? Olives? Wine? You

want something for that cough?"

 

"Hot wine'd be great. How I like it, with cloves and wine. Then I gotta go,

Salla"

 

"What's the big hurry?"

 

"Got something for the red bitch, Mel. She sold us out, Salla." He showed

his knife, thin as he was and just as deadly.

 

Salla shook his head. "That's crazy talk. Even if you could do it, Stannis

is hot for her. He could never forgive that. And anyway, she's got sources.

What I'm saying, you wind up dead either way. You got no chance, Onions"

 

Onions shook his head. "That don't matter none, Salla. I got a sheet as long

as your arm, but Stannis gave me a chance to go straight. Now I gotta do

right by him, even if he don't appreciate it. I wind up feeding the

fishes... always was how I figured I'd end up, anyhow. Say goodbye, Salla".

He finished his drink, got up to go, turned. "Wish me luck".

 

----------------------------------------------

 

Tyrion woke up slow. His brain knew better than he did; it kept telling him

to go back to sleep. But Tyrion knew he had to get back into the game before

that double-crossing bitch Cersei took him out of it forever. Giving Moore

orders to whack him, that was sneaky. But smart. Tyrion shook his head

ruefully. Maybe he didn't get all the brains after all. One thing was for

sure, he didn't get any of the looks. Gods, his face felt sore. That bastard

Moore nearly took his nose off. Thanks to Pod, though, it was the knight who

was feeding the fishes, not the dwarf.

 

Tyrion's head was pounding. What Pycelle had been feeding him, that was the

problem. Tyrion didn't trust that sonofabitch. Shoulda took him out when I

had the chance, he thought. Or sent him up North for a spell on the Big Wall

like that toad Slynt. But now the Big Guy was in town, and Tyrion had a few

questions to ask his Daddy...

 

---------------------------------------------

 

Arya watched them pull the hood off the Hound's head. He snarled, maybe

thinking he had to remind people why he was called after a dog, Arya

thought. But maybe just pissed off.

 

"Whaddaya want with me, Dondarrion?"

 

Now she could see his face, Arya wasn't sure she hadn't been better off when

the hood was on. The Hound was an ugly character, and had the face to match.

He looked like he'd gone five rounds with a jar of wildfire, and lost.

 

A man stepped forward, Thoros, the phoney priest. Only maybe he wasn't so

phoney after all, now she came to think of it. He sure had a good line going

if he was.

 

"You're wanted for murder, buddy. And we're the jury. What I'm saying, you

Lannisters been running loose around here, now it's time to settle the

score". He smiled.

 

"Who'd I murder, then? You got any witnesses? Thought not." The Hound

laughed again. It sure didn't improve his looks any. "What I'm saying, you

got a jury but no witnesses, you know? You're a little short for a trial"

 

Dondarrion stepped forward. He looked a little rough, Arya thought. Though

he'd been schlepping around the Riverlands for long enough, and Arya knew

she didn't look like no day at the beach herself.

 

"You and me, buddy. That's all the trial we need. You follow?" He drew his

sword.

 

------

 

Author: mormont

<p>2 parte</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>If Bret Easton Ellis had written ASOIAF </p> <p> </p> <p>Theon Greyjoy adjusted his embroidered tunic, Armani of course and fiddled</p> <p>with the gold Chanel chain around his neck. He watched disdainfully as his</p> <p>foster brother Robb followed his father up to the execution. God but Robb,</p> <p>Jon and the rest had no real idea. He sniffed loudly. He should probably</p> <p>consider renewing his prescription from the Winterfell apothecary. There was</p> <p>a nice enough girl there who gave head in exchange for Summer Isle marching</p> <p>powder. A severed head rolled down the hill, stopping just at the tip of his</p> <p>hand-tooled leather boots. He looked at it blankly and then kicked it away.</p> <p>In the distance he heard Robb yelling something at him and shrugged. 'It's</p> <p>just a head' he said. 'Come on Robb you never seen a severed head before?'</p> <p>Robb continued yelling. "Oh blow me,†muttered Theon. Tonight was the main</p> <p>feast at Winterfell, he felt like getting loaded and maybe talking a couple</p> <p>of the servant girls up to his room. He sighed and fondled the chain again.</p> <p>Everything in life was just so kind of empty. He just knew he was suffering from</p> <p>terminal ennui.</p> <p> </p> <p>*****</p> <p>The ship rocked from side to side. Theon shuddered. He wondered vaguely why</p> <p>he was making this journey. Then shrugged. These things happened. Besides</p> <p>yesterday he'd finally managed to get the captain's daughter to give him</p> <p>head without being sick all over his silk designer clothes, which was an</p> <p>improvement. He felt bored though. Nothing new, he always felt bored. But at</p> <p>least in Winterfell there had been death and sex to distract him. There was</p> <p>a timid knock on the door. Theon finished the last of his Summer Isle</p> <p>marching powder, sniffed twice and drawled 'come in'. The captain's daughter</p> <p>shuffled into the room. She was fat by Theon's standards - at least a size</p> <p>6 - and clearly had no idea of the value of a table at Caprice restaurant in</p> <p>King's Landing but beggars can't be choosers he supposed. He motioned to the</p> <p>girl to get down on her knees. At least his morning blow job might relieve</p> <p>his ennui.</p> <p> </p> <p>****</p> <p>Theon came round slowly. His head ached. He blinked and looked around his</p> <p>surroundings. And shuddered. He was naked. Fuck, all that designer wardrobe</p> <p>wasted he thought. He tried to remember what had happened. If only he hadn't</p> <p>been cursed with such a short attention span (and of course the fact that he</p> <p>was basically a symbol for the degenerate emptiness of today's youth - oh</p> <p>sorry my Easton Ellis critique took over there for a second). He remembered</p> <p>the blood and death and noise and fire as Winterfell collapsed and smirked</p> <p>emptily for a second. People die all the time. It's just something that</p> <p>happens. Along with sex. And drugs. His nose itched. God but he could do</p> <p>with a snort. Suddenly it hit him. He wasn't just naked. He wasn't just</p> <p>without his drugs, his drink and his designer wardrobe. He was hanging in a</p> <p>torture chamber. For a moment he felt total fear. Then the whip came down.</p> <p>For the first time in 21 years Theon Greyjoy was unable to say his primary</p> <p>emotion was terminal ennui.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: sarah</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>ASOIAF by A.A. Milne </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Chapter 10</p> <p> </p> <p>In which we finally get to meet an Other again and Sam does a Very Grand</p> <p>Thing.</p> <p> </p> <p>The wind was still blowing and the snow, when it got tired of rushing round</p> <p>in circles trying to catch itself up, came tumbling down until it found a</p> <p>place on which to rest, and sometimes the place was above Sam's knees and</p> <p>sometimes it wasn't, and for a very long while now Sam had been wearing a</p> <p>white muffler round his neck, and feeling more snowy behind the ears than he</p> <p>had ever felt before. As he stumped along behind everyone else a hum started</p> <p>forming in his head. It seemed to him a very Bad Hum, such as repeats itself</p> <p>maddeningly again and again, insisting on reminding you of unpleasant things</p> <p>when you really would rather imagine that it was eleven o'clock and time for</p> <p>a little smackerel of something, but it wouldn't go away :</p> <p> </p> <p>The more it snows</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>The more it goes</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>The more it goes</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>On snowing.</p> <p>And nobody knows</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>How cold my toes</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>How cold my toes</p> <p>(We're all going to die)</p> <p>Are growing.</p> <p> </p> <p>Those ravens went free</p> <p>(I messed up again)</p> <p>With no message from me</p> <p>(I messed up again)</p> <p>With no message from me</p> <p>(I messed up again)</p> <p>Of warning.</p> <p>We'll lose all our fights</p> <p>(We haven't a prayer)</p> <p>See horrible sights</p> <p>(We haven't a prayer)</p> <p>And turn into wights</p> <p>(We haven't a prayer)</p> <p>By morning.</p> <p> </p> <p>Jon's already dead</p> <p>(I wish I was too)</p> <p>And his father Ned</p> <p>(I wish I was too)</p> <p>And Dolorous Edd</p> <p>(I wish I was too)</p> <p>And so on.</p> <p>I'm a cowardly klutz</p> <p>(As everyone says)</p> <p>I drive them all nuts</p> <p>(As everyone says)</p> <p>I haven't the guts</p> <p>(As everyone says)</p> <p>To go on.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Some short excerpts from "The Reader's Adventures in Westeros" by Lewis Carroll (and its sequel):</p> <p> </p> <p>" Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked Jon.</p> <p>"I know!" shouted Sam. "Because they're both used for sending letters."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"I want to see him fly!" cried little Robert, for about the twentieth time</p> <p>that day.</p> <p>"Yes, yes!" agreed his mother. "Sentence first - verdict afterwards."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"Why did you order the KG to strip and beat me?" sobbed Sansa.</p> <p>"To teach you a lesson because your brother is a traitor," explained</p> <p>Joffrey.</p> <p>"What curious logic!" exclaimed Sansa.</p> <p>"Not at all. That's the reason they're called lessons - because you've got</p> <p>less on from day to day."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>The reader soon came to the conclusion that the game of thrones was a very</p> <p>difficult game indeed. The players all played at once without waiting for</p> <p>turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for possession of the Iron</p> <p>Throne; and in a very short time both the King and the Queen were in a</p> <p>furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting "Off with his head!"</p> <p>or "Off with her head!" about once in a minute.</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"That's a traitor for you!"</p> <p>"I don't know what you mean by 'traitor'," Catelyn said.</p> <p>Stannis frowned contemptuously. "Of course you don't - till I tell you. "I</p> <p>meant 'that person won't accept my claim to be the rightful king when I</p> <p>order him to'."</p> <p>"But 'traitor' doesn't mean 'someone who doesn't believe you're the rightful</p> <p>king'," Catelyn objected.</p> <p>"When I use a word," Stannis said in rather a scornful tone," it means just</p> <p>what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."</p> <p>"The question is," said Catelyn," whether you can make one word mean so many</p> <p>different things."</p> <p>"The question is," said Stannis, "who is to be master - that's all."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>The Queen of Thorns broke the silence by saying to the Redhanded Queen, "I</p> <p>didn't invite you to Sansa's wedding to Willas next week."</p> <p>The Redhanded Queen smiled triumphantly, and said, "But I do invite you to</p> <p>Sansa's wedding to Tyrion this afternoon."</p> <p>"I didn't know I was to have a wedding at all, " thought Sansa; "but if</p> <p>there is to be one, I think I ought to choose the bridegroom."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"Can you do Addition?" the nobles asked. "What's one claimant to the throne</p> <p>and one and one and one and one and one?"</p> <p>"It's a bloody mess!" responded the smallfolk. "We know that much at any</p> <p>rate."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"Try another Subtraction sum," said the Kingslayer. "Take his throne and his</p> <p>life from a king: what remains?"</p> <p>Brienne considered. "The throne wouldn't remain, of course, because Robert</p> <p>would take it - and the king's life wouldn't remain, if I'd taken it - and</p> <p>the king wouldn't remain, because he'd be dead - and my honour wouldn't</p> <p>remain, because I'd have broken my Kingsguard oath to protect him - and I'm</p> <p>sure I shouldn't remain, as you did! If they didn't execute me (which they</p> <p>ought to); I'd kill myself, or take the black at the very least."</p> <p>"Then you think nothing would remain?" said the Kingslayer.</p> <p>"I think that's the right answer."</p> <p>"Wrong, as usual!" the Kingslayer exclaimed triumphantly. "The dead bodies</p> <p>would remain. Aerys, Aegon, Rhaenys for starters - and Elia, though they</p> <p>didn't put hers on show in the throne room. And then a whole host of others</p> <p>over the next twenty years. There's a dozen or so hanging in that tree right</p> <p>now."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>The reader was puzzled. "In our country," she remarked, "there's only one</p> <p>season at a time."</p> <p>Littlefinger was not impressed. "That's a rather dull way of doing things.</p> <p>Now here, we mostly have summers and winters two or three at a time, and</p> <p>sometimes in the summer we take as many as ten years together - for warmth,</p> <p>you know."</p> <p>"Are ten years warmer than one year, then?" the reader ventured to ask.</p> <p>"Ten times as warm, of course."</p> <p>"But they should be ten times as cold, by the same rule -"</p> <p>"Just so!" cried LF (who must have picked up the expression from Syrio).</p> <p>"Ten times as warm, and ten times as cold - just as I'm ten times as</p> <p>unscrupulous as you are, and ten times as clever!"</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>But the Dragon Queen drew herself up triumphantly and said, "Queens never</p> <p>keep bargains."</p> <p>"I wish Queens never trained dragons," thought Kraznys.</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"He's my prisoner, you know!" the Redhanded Queen said at last.</p> <p>"Yes, but then I said I'd be his champion!" the Red Viper replied.</p> <p>"Well, we must fight over him, then," said the Mountainous Knight, as he</p> <p>took up his helmet, which was something the shape of a dog's head, and put</p> <p>it on.</p> <p>"You will observe the Rules of Battle, of course?" the White Sword in charge</p> <p>of the battle area remarked.</p> <p>"What, me? Him? You're kidding, aren't you?" said the Red Viper, and they</p> <p>began banging away at each other with such fury that spectators who didn't</p> <p>get out of the way of the blows had had it!</p> <p>"I wonder, now, what the Rules of Battle are," the reader said to herself,</p> <p>as she watched the fight, timidly peeping out from the relative safety of RL: "one Rule seems to be that if someone appears to be winning hands down,</p> <p>he's just about to die suddenly and nastily. As with Renly, and Robb, and</p> <p>everyone in Stannis' navy. Oh, and now the Red Viper too. Bother! I'd taken</p> <p>quite a fancy to him. Never mind - at least I've got the hang of the Rules."</p> <p> </p> <p>* * * *</p> <p> </p> <p>"I like Littlefinger best," said the reader: "because you see he was a</p> <p>little sorry for poor Sansa."</p> <p>"He betrayed more people than Bolton, though," said her friend. "You see he</p> <p>only pretended to help Sansa so that he could get her into his power."</p> <p>"That was mean!" the reader said indignantly. "Then I like Bolton best - if</p> <p>he didn't betray so many people as Littlefinger."</p> <p>"But he betrayed as many people as he could," said her friend.</p> <p>This was a puzzler. After a pause, the reader began, "Well! They were both</p> <p>very unpleasant characters -"</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: The Sea King's Daughter</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>And now--if Jack Vance had written a Game of Thrones...</p> <p> </p> <p>********</p> <p>"I confess that my feelings towards Jaime are perhaps, more ardent than are</p> <p>the norm" stated Cersei, "but this hardly something I feel any great shame</p> <p>about."</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned shrugged. "It is jejune to suggest you might. However, getting caught</p> <p>is, I'd say, something worth being a bit abashed about. In my humble opinion</p> <p>of course."</p> <p> </p> <p>Cersei laughed. "As for that, it is only your word against mine--and I can</p> <p>easily make that a matter of my word only."</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned nodded. "Indeed." He paced awhile on the veranda, and glanced at the</p> <p>flickering sky. "You know it is wrong for us to fight in this manner. Winter</p> <p>may come at any second, and the whole world would be plunged into cold and</p> <p>ice..."</p> <p> </p> <p>Cersei smiled luxuriously. "Why Eddard Stark, are you giving up thi--?" she</p> <p>began only to have the statement terminated by Ned striking a quick blow to</p> <p>her legs, causing her to make a most undignified landing.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned glanced at her amusedly, as he pulled a crossbow out of his jacket. "I</p> <p>believe I have thought of a pertinent reason for us to fight however, and so</p> <p>have decided to see this through to a successful conclusion."</p> <p> </p> <p>Cersei stared at him with utter disbelief. "But you are a man of honour..."</p> <p> </p> <p>"True, but I am not a stupid man of honour, nor do I wish to be a dead one</p> <p>for some time now..."</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Rhialto the Marvellous</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Enid Blyton - I believe someone requested her.</p> <p> </p> <p>[Rather than an extract, you're going to get a synopsis this time - partly</p> <p>because I don't have any of the books to refer to, and partly because the</p> <p>plot has had to undergo some major changes. (Naturally - after all these are</p> <p>*children's* stories.)]</p> <p> </p> <p>The Famous Five consist of Jon, Robb, Arry and Sansa, and Arry's pet</p> <p>direwolf, Nymeria - called Nymmy for short. Their home is a wonderful old</p> <p>castle called Winterfell, in the North of Westeros. Jon is the cousin of the</p> <p>other three children, but his parents died when he was a baby, so he lives</p> <p>with his uncle and aunt. Despite her name, Arry is actually a girl - Arya -</p> <p>but she insists on behaving and being treated like a boy, and in most of the</p> <p>stories is mistaken for one on several occasions. They have a marvellous</p> <p>time together, going on adventures, solving mysteries and foiling the plans</p> <p>of criminals. (What happened to Bran and Rickon, you wonder? Sorry - but</p> <p>this is the Famous Five, not the Secret Seven. Two boys and two girls is</p> <p>ample - plus the odd extra child making a guest appearance in individual</p> <p>adventures. In any case, our target readership is children aged about 9.</p> <p>Younger kids aged 7 and 3 would be an irrelevant nuisance.)</p> <p> </p> <p>In the first of the series - Five and the Secret of the Red Keep - the</p> <p>children's father, Jon's Uncle Ned, who is something high up in government,</p> <p>is invited to a place called Kings Landing by his old school friend, Robert</p> <p>Baratheon, whom he hasn't seen for many years and who has been made king of</p> <p>that country after the mysterious disappearance of all members of the former</p> <p>royal family. He takes the children with him. Unfortunately King Robert is a</p> <p>weak willed man heavily under the influence of his wife, the bad-tempered and</p> <p>sly Queen Cersei. They have three children, to whom the Five take an instant</p> <p>and justified dislike. Tommen, the youngest, is a fat, greedy little</p> <p>cry-baby. His sister, Myrcella, is a silly little overdressed doll of a girl,</p> <p>who refuses to join in any games lest she dirty her clothes or disarray her</p> <p>hair - her doting mother is especially proud of her artificially curled</p> <p>golden locks. But worst of all is the eldest, Prince Joffrey, a bully,</p> <p>coward and sneak with pouty lips, and long hair like a girl - a real cissy!</p> <p>The Five are rightly suspicious of Joffrey's villainous scarred bodyguard,</p> <p>whom intelligent Nymmy growls at whenever she sees him. Disagreements come</p> <p>to a head when Arry gets into an argument with Joffrey, who tries to hit</p> <p>her. Loyal Nymmy comes to her defence, and knocks Joffrey over. The spoilt</p> <p>brat screams for his mother, and insists that Nymmy made an unprovoked</p> <p>attack on him and bit him, urged on by Arry. Hot tempered Arry, who is</p> <p>straight as a die, indignantly rejects this account, accuses Joffrey of</p> <p>lying, and at the instigation of Queen Cersei is shut up in her tower room</p> <p>until she apologises. Meanwhile Nymmy is tied up in the stables, as a danger</p> <p>to children, until she can be sent away. Desperate to rescue her pet, Arry</p> <p>decides to run away, and is lucky enough to find a secret passage leading</p> <p>from the fireplace of her room to the stables - and in other directions. She</p> <p>unties Nymmy, and the pair of them hide out in the secret tunnels with which</p> <p>the Red Keep is riddled, with the other children supplying them with food.</p> <p>While there, Arry overhears a conversation between Queen Cersei and her</p> <p>sinister father Lord Tywin, in which they refer to a prisoner being kept</p> <p>secretly in the Keep. The Five explore the Keep, and in the end discover a</p> <p>secret cell down in the dungeons, containing a girl who informs them that</p> <p>she is Princess Daenerys, the true heir to the throne, who was kidnapped by</p> <p>Lord Tywin so that his daughter and later his grandson could rule in her</p> <p>place. Dany is basically a good sort, though being foreign royalty she does</p> <p>have a tendency to family pride, and makes overmuch reference to being "the</p> <p>blood of the dragon" until the Five cure her of this flaw by laughing at her</p> <p>whenever she uses the expression. With courage and resource - even timid</p> <p>Sansa plays her part gallantly - they trick Dany's giant brutish guard</p> <p>(brother to Joffrey's bodyguard) and rescue Dany. King Robert, who knew</p> <p>nothing of his ambitious wife's scheming, is only too pleased to step down</p> <p>and make way for Dany to be Queen, since he found being king far too much</p> <p>responsibility. Lord Tywin is arrested and imprisoned, and Robert decides to</p> <p>retire to the country and devote himself to correcting, by stern discipline,</p> <p>the faults his children have developed due to their mother's bad upbringing.</p> <p> </p> <p>In the second book - Five Visit Dragonstone Island - the children go on</p> <p>holiday to an island owned by a nobleman called Lord Stannis Baratheon, and</p> <p>make friends with his daughter, a pretty little girl named Shireen.</p> <p>(Greyscale? You're joking, aren't you? How do you expect the readers to</p> <p>identify with her if she's disfigured?) Shireen is very unhappy because her</p> <p>father and mother have come under the influence of a cunning criminal who is</p> <p>masquerading as her governess. The real governess, we later discover, was</p> <p>bribed not to turn up, and this impostor who came in her place is the wife</p> <p>of the leader of a gang of smugglers, who use Dragonstone as a base for</p> <p>their criminal activities, assisted by the governess' night time signals.</p> <p>With a cunning mix of flattery and hypnotism, this woman, Melisandre, has</p> <p>turned gloomy Lord Stannis against his jolly younger brother, Shireen's</p> <p>Uncle Renly, so that he believes Renly is plotting to steal his title, and</p> <p>keeps claiming that Shireen is lazy and uncooperative, so that she has an</p> <p>excuse for setting the poor girl extra work and using the free time to carry</p> <p>on her criminal activities. But the children soon sort *her* out, assisted</p> <p>by Nymmy sniffing out the hiding place where she has cached her share of the</p> <p>smuggler's loot, in one of the many caves. The smugglers return</p> <p>unexpectedly, and it seems at first as if the children are doomed to die</p> <p>when they are left tied up in a place that is underwater at high tide. But</p> <p>Nymmy, who ran off when the smugglers fired a gun at her, returns and chews</p> <p>off the ropes tying the children, and with the aid of the fisherman Davos,</p> <p>whom they had palled up with earlier in the story, they alert the police in</p> <p>time and the gang are arrested.</p> <p> </p> <p>In the third book - Five and the Forest Mystery - the children are off to</p> <p>the far north, where their stay at Castle Black is disturbed by rumours</p> <p>among the superstitious country folk of strange supernatural goings on in</p> <p>the "haunted" forest. Naturally the Five investigate, uncover a secret</p> <p>passage under the Wall, have fun camping in the woods, and discover what</p> <p>lies behind the rumours - a dangerous gang known as The Others who are</p> <p>hiding out there, trying to scare people away by dressing up as zombies, or</p> <p>"wights". Jon is kidnapped for a while by gypsies, who are angry because</p> <p>they think he is spying on them, but escapes with the help of a sympathetic</p> <p>gypsy girl named Ygritte. And of course, Nymmy is invaluable again, grabbing</p> <p>one of the fake wights by the arm and refusing to let go, until the police</p> <p>arrive and arrest him.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: The Sea Kings Daughter </p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrionspotting by Irvine Welsh</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Ah started tae feel sick. What with the bairn screaming his wee head off, aw</p> <p>that noise fae that wee size. But Cersei's a daft bird e'en if shae is mae</p> <p>aun kin, and shae was determined to show the little bugger off tae her new</p> <p>friends, Oberyn and Elia-a pair ay awright punters, like ah sais. So the</p> <p>four ay us go doonstairs tae see the bairn. Ah could tell shae was not</p> <p>awright aun account shae stretched intae the playpen and grabbed the little</p> <p>bugger by his wee little prick and gies it a twist, and sets him aw tae</p> <p>hollering so as ah couldna believe. And ah jis stood thair n sais nowt</p> <p>because Cersei's a @#$!% radge #$%@*, e'en if at shae wis an awright bit ay</p> <p>fanny. Thing wis, ah supposed ah loved her; ah suppose ah never really</p> <p>stoaped.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Euron</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Charles Dickens</p> <p> </p> <p>The summer snow had fallen lightly on the north during the night.</p> <p>Nonetheless the chill emanating from the crypt of the Starks was in no way</p> <p>shape or form due to the precipitation. For as long as I can remember, I</p> <p>have be drawn to the crypts, even though I feel it in my very marrow that I</p> <p>do not belong. Many the time, playing with my dear half-brother Robb have i</p> <p>felt the eye of the northern kings upon me. The only ancestors I know of are</p> <p>interred here, but i am none of them....My primary name being Jon and my</p> <p>surname being Snow, Snow due to my lowly state....</p> <p> </p> <p>Later--</p> <p> </p> <p>Dearest Arya burst into the godswood, "Mother is back and she is on the</p> <p>Ram-Page!"...</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Edgar Allen Poe</p> <p> </p> <p>Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a bump and stutter, In there</p> <p>stepped a gentle giant, of the simpler days of yore. Not the least obeisance</p> <p>made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But like i was a little baby,</p> <p>perched me above his shoulders and he stepped towards the door. Stepped, and</p> <p>stopped, and nothing more. Then this large mute beguiling my sad fancy into</p> <p>smiling, By the glad and nice decorum of the countenance he wore, "Though my</p> <p>legs be bruised and broken thou," I said, "art sure no token, large, simple,</p> <p>lackwit pokin', His huge head inside my door. Tell me what the gentle name</p> <p>is on the Night's Plutonian shore." Quoth the giant, "Hodor."</p> <p> </p> <p>Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly, Though his</p> <p>answer little meaning, little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing</p> <p>that no living human being Ever yet was blessed with seeing giant in his</p> <p>chamber carrying him towards the door, Huge lackwit with broken boy upon his</p> <p>shoulders heading to his chamber door, with such a name as "Hodor." But the</p> <p>giant, standing lonely on that stony tile, spoke only That one word, as if</p> <p>his soul in that one word he did outpour.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Giant!" said I, "lackwit boy! I need a favour, only this i must implore:</p> <p>take me to Maester Luwin, in his chambers like before. Take me there, and</p> <p>nothing more." But as we started marching, sudden fear had me lurching, and</p> <p>my head smashed into the wall above my chamber door. The giant forgot to</p> <p>crouch as he crossed my chamber door; forgot to crouch and smashed my head</p> <p>above my door, and i screamed "be careful, I implore!" Quoth the giant,</p> <p>"Hodor."</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Lurker X</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Stephen King</p> <p> </p> <p>"Fuck," said Bronn, "I don't think they've come to wish us off." Bronn sat</p> <p>on his horse and looked back down the ridge. Maybe a mile away through the</p> <p>dense woods, perhaps a dozen horsemen were riding.</p> <p> </p> <p>Riding towards him.</p> <p> </p> <p>Him.</p> <p> </p> <p>Bronn looked at his four sellswords that surrounded him (now looking</p> <p>particularly anxious) and marvelled. Me, having sellswords, he thought.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Hide!" he hissed at his men, and they obeyed, each darting behind a tree. A</p> <p>couple had drawn their swords though they held them with shaking hands.</p> <p>Bronn hid himself behind a large oak and heard the hoofs come closer.</p> <p> </p> <p>Closer.</p> <p> </p> <p>This was no time for diplomacy, and there was no way in the seven hells that</p> <p>Bronn - however skilled - and four men of questionable loyalty could take a</p> <p>dozen soldiers on horseback.</p> <p> </p> <p>This required something different.</p> <p> </p> <p>Bronn reached into his breaches and drew up the</p> <p> </p> <p>(gun)</p> <p> </p> <p>sword and looked at it. The strange women who had given it to him and called</p> <p>it a magnum or something. It was an object made of metal, with a clear</p> <p>barrel and a hand hold. the women had said that the trigger fired smoky</p> <p>spirits and tore bodies apart.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Fuck spirits," he muttered, "give me a sharp sword any day." But he had no</p> <p>choice.</p> <p> </p> <p>The hoofs came closer and Bronn turned around the tree and squeezed the</p> <p>trigger of the</p> <p> </p> <p>(gun)</p> <p> </p> <p>sword.</p> <p> </p> <p>KA-BLAM.</p> <p> </p> <p>The first man's head was taken off at the eyebrows as he was flung</p> <p>backwards. A dumb look of surprise creased his face. Surprise, surprise! he</p> <p>thought insanely. All the horses reared.</p> <p> </p> <p>KA-BLAM, KA-BLAM, KA-BLAM</p> <p> </p> <p>When they were all down the gun in his hands was hot and the ground was</p> <p>slick with blood. The silence that followed was deafening.</p> <p> </p> <p>The sellswords were staring at him with looks of half awe and half fear.</p> <p> </p> <p>Let them stare, he thought, let them stare and let them fear...I am the</p> <p>Prince Who Was Promised.</p> <p> </p> <p>His sellswords' looks of surprise turned to horror as Bronn turned the</p> <p>weapon on them.</p> <p> </p> <p>And fired.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: VarysTheSpider</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Matt Groening</p> <p> </p> <p> Scene:</p> <p>A grossly overweight and bald Ned sits under the heart tree, patiently</p> <p>waiting for the arrival of Cersei. He is eating a club sandwich.</p> <p> </p> <p>Cersei arrives.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned's Brain: Don't tell her you know about her incest.</p> <p>Ned: I know about your incest. Grrr!</p> <p>Ned: D'oh!</p> <p>Ned's Brain: OK, that one slipped past, just don't tell her you're going to</p> <p>tell Robert.</p> <p>Ned: I'm going to tell Robert.</p> <p>Ned: D'oh!</p> <p>Ned's Brain: I'm getting out of here.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: The Prentice Boy</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Robin Hobb</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Silently, I quested towards the wolf. A flicker of Ghost's consciousness</p> <p>brushed my own, as he dreamed of stalking a large burly boar. Gently, I</p> <p>removed my presence, and left him to his content slumber.</p> <p> </p> <p>It had been a particularly bad attack. Several men were wounded, and others</p> <p>falling from the Wall. I tired to concentrate, but the hunger kept pulling</p> <p>at me. This pain had not troubled me for many months, but it came to reclaim</p> <p>me with thoughts of Ygritte.</p> <p> </p> <p>She was better off without me, with Sam. I could never have given myself</p> <p>whole to her. I loved Ygritte, but my loyalty was first to my king. With</p> <p>great effort and elfbark, I forced these memories from my mind, accepting</p> <p>the great despair and depression that I knew would result.</p> <p> </p> <p>There would be no welcome, no fanfare for me. But I had my wolf, and that</p> <p>was all I needed.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Ace Atheist </p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>The Rebellion in a style according to Sir Thomas Mallory</p> <p> </p> <p>It befell in the days of Aerys the second of the House Targaryen when he was</p> <p>king of Westeros and ruled over whole of the land that he had a lovestruck</p> <p>prince named Rhaegar. The prince made mighty dole for one of the fosterlings</p> <p>of the lord of the eyrie were to marry with the maiden of his dreams. The</p> <p>maiden was called a passing good lady and was sister to one of the</p> <p>fosterlings who was friend with the other one of them whom she would not</p> <p>fain to marry and her name was called Lyanna.</p> <p> </p> <p>And now there came to be an event of great cheer for lady Lyanna's brother</p> <p>Lord Eddard and his good friend Lord Robert for a great tournament were</p> <p>arranged in witch the Victor would have great worship as well as his bride</p> <p>which were to be crowned the Queen of love and beauty. Being married to Elia</p> <p>of Dorne Rhaegar knew this to be the only chance that enabled him to declare</p> <p>his undying love to lady Lyanna.</p> <p>Thus Rhaegar prepared himself for the tournament in which he unhorsed many a</p> <p>valiant knight and won the heart of many damosels and finally had the</p> <p>greatest worship of the day when he crowned Lyanna Queen of love and beauty.</p> <p>Lyanna went of with Rhaegar were none would find them upon which Lord Robert</p> <p>and another brother of Lyanna Lord Brandon were mighty wroth. Lord Brandon</p> <p>threatened to slay Rhaegar the crown prince upon which he were in an</p> <p>unwholesome upon which ensued a trial in which the woody king Aerys had him</p> <p>and his father killed during a dolesome trial and after which he requested</p> <p>the heads of the lords Eddard and Robert.</p> <p> </p> <p>Now the lords Eddard and Robert were mightily wroth upon the Targaryens and</p> <p>decided to make mighty war upon them.</p> <p> </p> <p>In the war deeds of bravery and treachery were made on either side. Of most</p> <p>renown is the duel between Robert and Rhaegar beneath the fords of the</p> <p>Trident were they both came with mighty force upon each other. They fought</p> <p>long and hard and both were bleeding from many wounds when Robert smote</p> <p>Rhaegar's chest asunder with his mighty warhammer upon which Rhaegar</p> <p>whispered Lyanna's name with his dying breath</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Torrhen The Unlikely</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Westerosi Homes, In homage to Harry Graham </p> <p> </p> <p>GOOD INTENTIONS</p> <p> </p> <p>Peeping Bran saw something shameful.</p> <p>Jaime gave the kid a shove.</p> <p>Pity! Still, not really blameful -</p> <p>After all, 'twas done for love!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>A SILVER LINING</p> <p> </p> <p>"There's been an accident," they said.</p> <p>"Your brother met a boar. He's dead."</p> <p>Thought Renly, "What a shocking thing!</p> <p>Still, I'll make a better king."</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY</p> <p> </p> <p>Dany placed them on the pyre,</p> <p>By his head, his heart, his legs,</p> <p>Finding Drogo's funeral fire</p> <p>Great for hatching dragon eggs.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>QUICK THINKING</p> <p> </p> <p>When crazy Lysa suffered her demise</p> <p>An inconvenient witness saw it all.</p> <p>Happily Petyr was quick to realise</p> <p>He made a splendid fall guy for her fall.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: The Sea King's Daughter</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>A Game of Thrones as a Readers' Digest compact edition.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>*Robert arrives at Winterfell</p> <p> </p> <p>Robert: Ned, my man, come south with me?</p> <p>Ned: Sure thing, bro.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Later</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned: So, family, I'm going south. Who's coming with?</p> <p>Sansa: I'll go. I'm brainless. King's Landing sounds like a nice place.</p> <p>Ned: Cool.</p> <p>Arya: Me too, adventure rules.</p> <p>Ned: Cool</p> <p>Bran: Not me. I'm crippled.</p> <p>Ned: Whatever.</p> <p>Robb: Not me. I have to be Lord.</p> <p>Ned: Whatever.</p> <p>Jon: Not me. I'm off to the Wall.</p> <p>Ned: You are?</p> <p>Jon: Yeah.</p> <p>Ned: Whatever.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned, Arya, and Sansa head south. Someone tries to kill Bran.</p> <p> </p> <p>Cat: I have to head south and see your father.</p> <p>Robb: Whatever.</p> <p>Bran: What do I care? I'm in a coma! There's nothing I can offer to the</p> <p>dialogue.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Cat heads south and arrives in King's Landing.</p> <p> </p> <p>Cat: Hi, Petyr. Sorry about the whole rejecting you thing.</p> <p>Petyr: S'okay.</p> <p>Cat: So who's dagger is this?</p> <p>Petyr: The imp's.</p> <p>Cat: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can trust you, Petyr.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned approached KL</p> <p> </p> <p>Sansa: Are we there yet?</p> <p>Ned: No</p> <p>Arya: Are we there yet?</p> <p>Ned: No</p> <p>Sansa: Are we there yet?</p> <p>Ned: N - Ah, yes, here we are. There's a tourney soon. Best get ready.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Jon arrives at Wall.</p> <p> </p> <p>Jon: Sure is cold up here.</p> <p>Tyrion: Yep.</p> <p>Jon: Sure is dangerous up here.</p> <p>Tyrion: Yep...I'm going. See ya later.</p> <p>Jon: Bye.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Bran wakes up</p> <p> </p> <p>Bran: Hey, I'm awake.</p> <p>Robb: No one cares, Bran.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Catelyn talks to Ned</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned: Prepare for war. And don't do anything stupid.</p> <p>Cat: Would I ever?</p> <p> </p> <p>*Cat heads up the Kingsroad.</p> <p> </p> <p>Cat: There's Tyrion! Hey, you, you're under arrest son!</p> <p>Tyrion: Oh, bugger.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned meets Jaime.</p> <p> </p> <p>Jaime: Sorry, pard, I'm going have to cripple you.</p> <p>Littlefinger: Look at the time, Sorry Ned, must fly.</p> <p>Ned: I feel a headache coming on.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Sam arrives at Wall.</p> <p> </p> <p>Thorne: you look like a pig, Ser piggy.</p> <p>Jon: Don't do anything or I'll set my wolf on you.</p> <p>Thorne: Damn wolf.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned makes a discovery. Robert gets killed.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned: Stannis would be the right choice.</p> <p>Renly: Stannis?</p> <p>Littlefinger: Stannis?!</p> <p>Everyone: STANNIS?!</p> <p>Ned: Now I definitely feel a headache coming on.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Catelyn takes Tyrion to Eyrie.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrion: I demand a trial by combat. Hey, Bronn, get over here!</p> <p>Lysa: Arse.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Later.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrion: Hooray, I'm free! Woo-hoo!</p> <p>Lysa: Double arse.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned makes a decision.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ned: I'm going to dethrone you.</p> <p>Cersei: Er...okay.</p> <p>Ned: Just thought I should let you know.</p> <p>Cersei: Well...thanks, I guess.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Later</p> <p> </p> <p>Littlefinger: Sorry Ned, you are now captured.</p> <p>Ned: I knew I should have stayed North.</p> <p>Littlefinger: Sucks to be you.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Meanwhile Dany gets it on with Drogo after Drogo kills her brother.</p> <p> </p> <p>Dany: Hey, baby, lets go for Westeros.</p> <p>Drogo: Sure thing babe, plundering rocks. Sex first, though.</p> <p>Dany: Well, duh.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Robb hears of Ned's capture.</p> <p> </p> <p>Robb: I'm calling the banners...Oy, banners!</p> <p>Karstark: You can trust me, my Lord.</p> <p>Roose: You can trust me, my lord.</p> <p>Robb: Aw...You guys...Let's go. I'll see you later, Bran.</p> <p>Bran: Yeah, that's what they all say.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Ned gets dragged to the Sept.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ser Ilyn: ...</p> <p>Joffrey: Confess.</p> <p>Ned: Okay.</p> <p>Joffrey: Off with his head!</p> <p>Ser Ilyn: ...</p> <p>Ned: Life's a bitch.</p> <p>Arya: Nooooooo!</p> <p>Ned's head: No, I was wrong, death's a bitch...Ow, my head...</p> <p> </p> <p>*Tyrion meets up with his dad.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tywin: Forget the Eyrie. You're fighting in the vanguard of this battle.</p> <p>Tyrion: Out of the frying pan, into the fire.</p> <p> </p> <p>*The next morning.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrion: We won the battle. Phew. Shall we pursue them?</p> <p>Tywin: No... that's just what they want us to do.</p> <p>Tyrion: Huh?</p> <p> </p> <p>*Jon goes to join Robb</p> <p> </p> <p>Pyp: You dumbarse, Jon.</p> <p>Gendry: Seriously.</p> <p>Jon: Fine, fine, FINE! I'll head back.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Robb moves through the Whispering Wood.</p> <p> </p> <p>Robb: There he is, mum! The kingslayer. Let's move, men!</p> <p>Cat: Gods save us.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Later.</p> <p> </p> <p>Robb: I've got him, tra la-la-la! Now on to Riverrun.</p> <p>Cat: Gods save us.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Tywin heas of Jaime's capture.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tywin: Go south, Tyrion.</p> <p>Tyrion: Kay. Can I take my whore? Whoa, just kiddingkdding, just kidding.</p> <p> </p> <p>*Bran here's of Ned's death.</p> <p> </p> <p>Bran: Stop coming back to me. I'm not doing anything!</p> <p> </p> <p>*Drogo dies.</p> <p> </p> <p>Jorah: Sorry, Dany.</p> <p>Dany: Never mind, I've still got my dragons. Mwa ha ha ha!</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: VarysTheSpider</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>W.S.Gilbert</p> <p> </p> <p>GRRM (the emperor whose sway all cheerfully own)</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Ill luck may strike all characters who</p> <p>Within my books exist,</p> <p>And innocents die,</p> <p>But nonetheless I</p> <p>Am a rigorous moralist.</p> <p>I preach, to anyone tempted to</p> <p>Hold others' lives too cheap,</p> <p>That what you do</p> <p>Will be done to you</p> <p>And what you sow you'll reap.</p> <p> </p> <p>My object all sublime</p> <p>I have achieved each time -</p> <p>To make the punishment fit the crime,</p> <p>The punishment fit the crime;</p> <p>And let my readers see</p> <p>With mingled horror and glee</p> <p>For sin appropriate penalty,</p> <p>Appropriate penalty!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>The spiteful weakling obsessed with his cause -</p> <p>To be the Dragon King -</p> <p>Earned nothing himself</p> <p>But demanded wealth</p> <p>With hysterical threatening</p> <p>Of the unborn son of a khal. Their laws</p> <p>He'd broken heedlessly.....</p> <p>The sister he'd sold</p> <p>Watched him crowned with gold</p> <p>And thought, "No dragon he!"</p> <p> </p> <p>The cynical jerk who to hide his crime</p> <p>Pushed a child from a high window shelf</p> <p>I sentenced to lose</p> <p>The hand that he'd used</p> <p>And see what it felt like himself.</p> <p>"Better dead than crippled!" he'd said that first time -</p> <p>But decided to put off dying,</p> <p>Owned that he'd earned his fate,</p> <p>Lessons he learned - too late?</p> <p>Maybe - still, credit for trying!</p> <p> </p> <p>My object all sublime</p> <p>I have achieved each time -</p> <p>To make the punishment fit the crime,</p> <p>The punishment fit the crime;</p> <p>And let my readers see</p> <p>With mingled horror and glee</p> <p>For sin appropriate penalty,</p> <p>Appropriate penalty!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>The murderous boy-king, whose every breath</p> <p>Was a call for someone's pain</p> <p>As a show of his power,</p> <p>In his wedding hour</p> <p>Was most abruptly slain.</p> <p>He who'd delighted in dealing out death</p> <p>Had met the self-same fate.</p> <p>His bride's grandmother</p> <p>Had decided his brother</p> <p>Would make a better mate!</p> <p> </p> <p>The rapist sellsword who picked on Brienne</p> <p>Bit off more than he could chew.....</p> <p>Bereft of an ear</p> <p>In fever and fear -</p> <p>She did some biting too!</p> <p>But that was as nothing to what happened when</p> <p>The Mountain reached Harrenhal.</p> <p>He only lost four limbs -</p> <p>He'd taken far more limbs -</p> <p>But who can lose more than his all?</p> <p> </p> <p>My object all sublime</p> <p>I have achieved each time -</p> <p>To make the punishment fit the crime,</p> <p>The punishment fit the crime;</p> <p>And let my readers see</p> <p>With mingled horror and glee</p> <p>For sin appropriate penalty,</p> <p>Appropriate penalty!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>The lord who degraded, with icy pride,</p> <p>Whoever got in his way</p> <p>By the son he'd frustrated</p> <p>And humiliated</p> <p>His debt was made to pay.</p> <p>He who thought no-one mattered beside</p> <p>His House's dignity</p> <p>In the privy lay dead,</p> <p>A whore in his bed,</p> <p>Exposed for all to see.</p> <p> </p> <p>The woman who poisoned her husband and lord</p> <p>Then blamed a guiltless guy,</p> <p>And as sentence, what's more,</p> <p>Through her chilling Moon Door</p> <p>Did her utmost to make him fly -</p> <p>She married the man that she adored</p> <p>And started life anew........</p> <p>The heartless louse</p> <p>Shoved her, his spouse,</p> <p>And out of that Door she flew!</p> <p> </p> <p>My object all sublime</p> <p>I have achieved each time -</p> <p>To make the punishment fit the crime,</p> <p>The punishment fit the crime;</p> <p>And let my readers see</p> <p>With mingled horror and glee</p> <p>For sin appropriate penalty,</p> <p>Appropriate penalty!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>The sociopath who inflicted slaughter</p> <p>And rape in every place,</p> <p>Who tortured a boy</p> <p>For the theft of a toy</p> <p>And burnt off half his face,</p> <p>For what he did to the innkeep's daughter</p> <p>He has now to pay -</p> <p>The Red Keep resounds</p> <p>To the fearful sounds</p> <p>Of his screams both night and day.</p> <p> </p> <p>Like Arya, only mine's a long'un,</p> <p>I've "got a little list" -</p> <p>The sadist, the flayer,</p> <p>The serial betrayer,</p> <p>The ruthless opportunist.</p> <p>But what merited doom befalls each wrong'un</p> <p>You'll have to wait to know.</p> <p>It should make you smile,</p> <p>But I need them awhile -</p> <p>We've still three* books to go!</p> <p> </p> <p>Still -</p> <p> </p> <p>My object all sublime</p> <p>I shall achieve in time -</p> <p>To make the punishment fit the crime,</p> <p>The punishment fit the crime:</p> <p>And let my readers see</p> <p>With mingled horror and glee</p> <p>For sin appropriate penalty,</p> <p>Appropriate penalty!</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>*Or possibly four!</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: The Sea King's Daughter</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>F. Dostoevsky</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> "A hound, a hound, and a princess with her head smashed in," Ser Gregor</p> <p>sang as he entered Prince Oberyn's chamber. That was what Ser Gregor did to</p> <p>avoid suspicion.</p> <p> </p> <p>"A princess" and suddenly The Red Viper looked with barely hidden irony at</p> <p>him, screwing up his eyes and as if he were winking at him. (But perhaps it</p> <p>was Clegane's fancy, for it all lasted but ten minutes.)</p> <p> </p> <p>"He knows," flashed through his mind like lightning. Ser Gregor shuddered,</p> <p>vomited, but immediately recollected himself. He had an unpleasant thought</p> <p>that he need not have come here.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Excuse me for my impertinence. I am really ashamed to be worrying you like</p> <p>this." And as though that was a matter of no importance, Prince Oberyn</p> <p>carefully offered a bone to each of the three dogs, which were stretched on</p> <p>the rug with the portrait of Princess Elia on it.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ser Gregor shuddered. His face twitched convulsively. "How observant you</p> <p>are!" Ser Gregor smiled awkwardly, doing his very utmost to look him</p> <p>straight in the face, but he failed, and suddenly added: "I say that because</p> <p>I suppose there were a great many other Lannister bannermen with dogs for</p> <p>their sigils... that it must be difficult to remember them all.... But you</p> <p>remember them all and... and..." He shuddered and twitched. His nose started</p> <p>bleeding profusely. "Stupid! Feeble!" Ser Gregor thought. "Why did I add</p> <p>that?" He suddenly had a distinct sensation that he should not have come.</p> <p> </p> <p>"But we know all who is eight feet tall, and you are the only one who hasn't</p> <p>come forward," The Red Viper answered with hardly perceptible irony. He</p> <p>suddenly fidgeted. He couldn't maintain his current pose.</p> <p> </p> <p>"And in my distress I shall betray myself," flashed through Ser Gregor's</p> <p>mind again. His thoughts were in a whirl. He was in terrible exasperation.</p> <p>He could hardly breathe.</p> <p>"And what if it's only my fancy? Perhaps it's all unintentional. Does he</p> <p>know that Elia was his sister? When I rhymed 'whelp' with 'rape' he let it</p> <p>pass.... I put that in cleverly about everything being Sandor's fault, it</p> <p>may be of use afterwards... indeed... ha-ha-ha! You are wrong. You won't</p> <p>catch me! It's all supposition!" All this flashed like lightning through Ser</p> <p>Gregor's mind. He was shaking uncontrollably. He had a nagging suspicion</p> <p>that he should not have come here.</p> <p> </p> <p>"All these talk about smashed heads, recall to my mind a song of yours which</p> <p>interested me at the time. 'On the Sack of King's Landing'... or something</p> <p>of the sort, I forget the title, I heard it with pleasure at the Oldtown."</p> <p> </p> <p>"My song? At the Oldtown?" Ser Gregor asked in astonishment. "I certainly</p> <p>did write a song at the request of Queen Cersei, but I sent it to 'The</p> <p>Lannisport Observer' under the alias of Amory Lorch."</p> <p> </p> <p>"Very, very clever, but... it was not the part of your song about whether to</p> <p>rape princesses before or after they are killed that drew my attention, but</p> <p>an idea which I regret to say you merely suggested without working it out</p> <p>clearly. There is, if you recollect, a suggestion that persons can... that</p> <p>is, not precisely are able to, but have a right to do as they please, that</p> <p>is if they are in the employ of the Lord Tywin." It suddenly seemed as if</p> <p>Prince Oberyn was hiding irony. He also couldn't quite remain still.</p> <p> </p> <p>Ser Gregor smiled at the exaggerated and intentional distortion of his idea.</p> <p>(He saw at once where The Red Viper wanted to drive him.) "That wasn't quite</p> <p>my contention," he began simply. "Yet I admit that you have stated it almost</p> <p>correctly; perhaps, if you like, perfectly so." (It almost gave him pleasure</p> <p>to admit this.) He still vomited. "I simply hinted, rather subtly if I may</p> <p>add, that a Lord Tywin's bannerman has the right to pillage, especially in</p> <p>case it has been made clear to him that if he wouldn't he himself will be</p> <p>fed to a bear and his estate will be given to his brother whom he does not</p> <p>really like that much."</p> <p> </p> <p>"Yes, yes." Prince Oberyn couldn't sit still. "Your attitude to bears is</p> <p>pretty clear to me now, and you've removed my anxiety as to the relations</p> <p>within the Clegane family, but... Well, you see... I am a poet myself. It's</p> <p>a playful, psychological idea.... When you were writing your song, surely</p> <p>you couldn't have helped, he-he, fancying yourself... just a little a</p> <p>three-headed dragon.... That's so, isn't it?"</p> <p> </p> <p>"Yes," suddenly answered Ser Gregor, with an unpleasant sensation at the</p> <p>very moment he spoke that he need not have said it. His hands were shaking.</p> <p>He went into the cardiac arrest but quickly recollected himself.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Then you are the murderer," The Red Viper suddenly concluded with barely</p> <p>hidden irony. (He was experiencing trouble sitting still.)</p> <p> </p> <p>"Murder? What murder? By that silliness I only wanted to get myself a new</p> <p>horse, to obtain hauberks for Raff and Chiswyck. But I. I couldn't find the</p> <p>Street of Steel," Ser Gregor cried in sudden angst. It was unbearable</p> <p>torture. He vomited. He suddenly recalled Tyrion's words, "Go bugger</p> <p>yourself, for you have written a lousy song, and say aloud to the whole</p> <p>world, 'I am a bad song writer.'" (He trembled, remembering that.) He fell</p> <p>to the floor on the spot. He experienced seizure, nausea, and abdominal</p> <p>pain.</p> <p>"It was I..." began Ser Gregor. He softly and brokenly, but distinctly said:</p> <p>"It was I killed the Princess Elia and her children and raped them."</p> <p> </p> <p>Prince Oberyn positively couldn't sit still. The Gold Cloaks ran up on all</p> <p>sides. Ser Gregor repeated his statement eleven times in a row.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Pl Secundus</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>If Helen Fielding (writer of Bridget Jones' Diary) had written</p> <p>ASOIAF</p> <p> </p> <p>Lysa Arryn's diary</p> <p> </p> <p>Day One</p> <p>Breastfeeding 6 times, men thrown out of windows none, weight 9 stone vg</p> <p>Am in complete quandary over sudden arrival of Petyr back at Eeerie. Have</p> <p>always fancied him but how to let him know? Do not want any stupid emotional</p> <p>fuckwittage re his suspected lust for my sister. Is all very confusing</p> <p>indeed.</p> <p> </p> <p>Day Two</p> <p>Breastfeeding 7 times, men thrown out of windows none, wine 10 units, weight</p> <p>9 st 2 not so good</p> <p>Am in foul mood. Peyr continues to ignore me no matter how often I parade</p> <p>around semi-nude. What's a girl to do? It's very unfair. Found myself</p> <p>over-eating to compensate. I'm sure he used to prefer me over that bitch</p> <p>Catelyn when we were young. Only comfort is lovely son Robert, so clever, so</p> <p>bright for his age. He asked me when we could make men fly again today -what</p> <p>a wonderful imagination, I'm sure none of evil witch Catelyn's children are</p> <p>half so bright.</p> <p> </p> <p>Day Three</p> <p>Breastfeeding 7 times, men thrown out of window none, wine 9 units, weight</p> <p>9st 3. v bad</p> <p>Cannot seem to stop eating. Petyr still refusing to acknowledge my womanly</p> <p>needs. Even Robert seems fractitious. New serving girl v. thin not good but</p> <p>seems no threat.</p> <p> </p> <p>Day Four</p> <p>Breastfeeding 6 times, men thrown out of window none, wine units 4, weight</p> <p>9st vvvvv good</p> <p>It has happened at last. Felt like heroine in Charlotte Bronte novel as</p> <p>Petyr told me he'd always loved me but wanted to make sure I felt the same.</p> <p>And he asked me to marry him. Excellent will have perfect riposte to stupid</p> <p>Catelyn who stupidly lost her stupid husband and bought all this trouble on</p> <p>the Eerie. Is most excellent day - plan to celebrate wedding by ceremonially</p> <p>allowing Robert to throw as many men as he likes out of the Moon Doors. Is</p> <p>shame I didn't keep hold of that dwarf for the occasion.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: sarah</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>ASOIAF as interpreted by Anthony Burgess, complete with Nadsat....</p> <p> </p> <p>There was me, that is Arya, and my three droogs, that is Jaqen, Gendry, and</p> <p>Hot Pie, who wasn't hot at all nor a pie, and we were in this bolshy castle</p> <p>where we were all plennies. There were lots of chassos who I knew would</p> <p>skorry grab a malenky devotcha like me for in-out in-out, but I wasn't gonna</p> <p>let 'em. I missed my bratchny bratty Jon something awful, and every night</p> <p>before I went zasnoot I was sure skazat the eemyas of all the lewdies I was</p> <p>gonna treat to a little of the old ultra-violence.</p> <p> </p> <p>There was also this evil ol' veck who used to make me put leeches on his</p> <p>plott and pour his firegold. He was the boss. I wanted to bust out, but my</p> <p>droogs Gendry and Hot Pie were nazz malchicks and I had to do a little</p> <p>convincing. Jaqen wasn't so baddiwad but he changed his litso and left me</p> <p>with only a cut, so I had to shive the chasso myself.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Nichol Storm</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>If a load of monks from the 2nd century had written ASOIAF</p> <p> </p> <p>In the beginning there was Eddard Stark, and he begot Robb Stark, and Sansa</p> <p>Stark, and Arya Stark, and Brandon Stark, and Rickon Stark.</p> <p> </p> <p>And then the wolves were found, and these wolves were grey, and these wolves</p> <p>were dark, and these wolves were black, and these wolves were big, and these</p> <p>wolves were like of a messenger from the Old gods, who are many, who are</p> <p>nameless, who are forgotten, who are mysterious.</p> <p> </p> <p>And then King Robert came unto Winterfell, and he told Eddard Stark to come</p> <p>south, and his second begotten son, and his first begotten daughter, and his</p> <p>second begotten daughter with him.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>ASOIAF as a sea-shanty.</p> <p> </p> <p>Does Arya kill bad</p> <p>Some think she's sorta mad</p> <p>If she killed her sis then many would be glad</p> <p>And this looks quite likely as they never got along</p> <p>Because she's the stupid bitch who be-trayed dad</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: VarysTheSpider</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>ASOIAF as a sea-shanty: II</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>What shall we do with the bad king Stannis (3 times)</p> <p>and his Melisandre.</p> <p> </p> <p>Hooray a hole we're digging (3 times)</p> <p>early in the morning.</p> <p> </p> <p>Dig for him a hole and throw him into it (3 times)</p> <p>with his Melisandre</p> <p> </p> <p>Hooray a hole we're digging (3 times)</p> <p>early in the morning.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>ASOIAF as nursery rhymes</p> <p> </p> <p>There was this Littlefinger</p> <p>which was so annoying</p> <p>and bad</p> <p>that it made everyone</p> <p>sad</p> <p>when he scurried around</p> <p>to were he was</p> <p>bound</p> <p>To plot his evil deeds.</p> <p> </p> <p>There was this Lysa</p> <p>who did not possess</p> <p>her wits</p> <p>when they were falling</p> <p>to bits</p> <p>from the eyrie on high</p> <p>she would only</p> <p>sigh</p> <p>at Roberts happiness.</p> <p> </p> <p>There was this Brandon</p> <p>who was so stormy</p> <p>and fierce</p> <p>when emotions did</p> <p>pierce</p> <p>his brotherly heart</p> <p>when doing his</p> <p>part</p> <p>for Lyannas honour</p> <p> </p> <p>There was this Catelyn</p> <p>who was a wife to</p> <p>the hand</p> <p>but she never could</p> <p>stand</p> <p>Her husbands stepson</p> <p>and just argued</p> <p>on</p> <p>To make life sour</p> <p> </p> <p>There was this Eddard</p> <p>who was the</p> <p>king's hand</p> <p>that ruled over the</p> <p>land</p> <p>before ending up dead</p> <p>when losing his</p> <p>head</p> <p>at Baelor´s sept</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Torrhen The Unlikely</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>The Westerosi Version of the Holy Bible</p> <p> </p> <p>The lord and lady Baratheon begat Robert, Stannis, and Renly. And King</p> <p>Robert begat Gendry, Mya, Barra, Bella, and Edric Storm, but not Prince</p> <p>Joffrey, Princess Myrcella, or Prince Tommen, because the Kingslayer begat</p> <p>them upon Queen Cersei.</p> <p> </p> <p>And Lord Stannis begat Shireen, but naught else, for Lady Selyse was sorely</p> <p>afflicted with facial hair. He did, however, begat Melisandre's</p> <p>shadowbabies.</p> <p> </p> <p>And Lord Renly didn't begat anyone at all, as he had a very special "friend"</p> <p>named Loras with whom he spent all his time...</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Nichol Storm</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>Monty Python II</p> <p> </p> <p> (Lord Beric and his men are ambushed by Gregor's men. Beric is left dying</p> <p>from a ghastly wound. Thoros rushes to his side)</p> <p> </p> <p>Thoros: OH! The gods are cruel to do this to one so young and valiant. We</p> <p>will carry on your quest, brave Ser Beric, fear not. You will not have died</p> <p>in vain!</p> <p> </p> <p>Beric: I'm not quite dead yet.</p> <p> </p> <p>Thoros: Ser Gregor will pay for his crimes, not the least of which was the</p> <p>mortal wounding of Beric Dondarrion.</p> <p> </p> <p>Beric: I'm feeling a bit better. I think i might pull through.</p> <p> </p> <p>Thoros: Rest, Beric, and recover your strenght while me and my companions</p> <p>pursue Gregor's band for the honor of King Robert.</p> <p> </p> <p>Beric: No, I'm fine now, really. I can come along.</p> <p> </p> <p>Thoros: Farewell, sweet Ser Beric!</p> <p> </p> <p>Beric: I'll .... I'll stay here then.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: Lurker X</p> <p> </p> <p>_____________________________________________________________________________</p> <p> </p> <p>A Song of Ice and Fire, By Elmore Leonard</p> <p> </p> <p>Salla looked over at his friend. Onions, they called him, though his real</p> <p>name was Davos. Folks said he'd never return from the Blackwater, but Onions</p> <p>was a tough cookie. Stannis had had half his fingers off for smuggling, and</p> <p>Onions just packed 'em into a pouch and carried them round his neck. Though</p> <p>come to think of it, the pouch was gone now. Salla kinda wondered where.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Onions, grab a seat" said Salla "I get you something? Olives? Wine? You</p> <p>want something for that cough?"</p> <p> </p> <p>"Hot wine'd be great. How I like it, with cloves and wine. Then I gotta go,</p> <p>Salla"</p> <p> </p> <p>"What's the big hurry?"</p> <p> </p> <p>"Got something for the red bitch, Mel. She sold us out, Salla." He showed</p> <p>his knife, thin as he was and just as deadly.</p> <p> </p> <p>Salla shook his head. "That's crazy talk. Even if you could do it, Stannis</p> <p>is hot for her. He could never forgive that. And anyway, she's got sources.</p> <p>What I'm saying, you wind up dead either way. You got no chance, Onions"</p> <p> </p> <p>Onions shook his head. "That don't matter none, Salla. I got a sheet as long</p> <p>as your arm, but Stannis gave me a chance to go straight. Now I gotta do</p> <p>right by him, even if he don't appreciate it. I wind up feeding the</p> <p>fishes... always was how I figured I'd end up, anyhow. Say goodbye, Salla".</p> <p>He finished his drink, got up to go, turned. "Wish me luck".</p> <p> </p> <p>----------------------------------------------</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrion woke up slow. His brain knew better than he did; it kept telling him</p> <p>to go back to sleep. But Tyrion knew he had to get back into the game before</p> <p>that double-crossing bitch Cersei took him out of it forever. Giving Moore</p> <p>orders to whack him, that was sneaky. But smart. Tyrion shook his head</p> <p>ruefully. Maybe he didn't get all the brains after all. One thing was for</p> <p>sure, he didn't get any of the looks. Gods, his face felt sore. That bastard</p> <p>Moore nearly took his nose off. Thanks to Pod, though, it was the knight who</p> <p>was feeding the fishes, not the dwarf.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tyrion's head was pounding. What Pycelle had been feeding him, that was the</p> <p>problem. Tyrion didn't trust that sonofabitch. Shoulda took him out when I</p> <p>had the chance, he thought. Or sent him up North for a spell on the Big Wall</p> <p>like that toad Slynt. But now the Big Guy was in town, and Tyrion had a few</p> <p>questions to ask his Daddy...</p> <p> </p> <p>---------------------------------------------</p> <p> </p> <p>Arya watched them pull the hood off the Hound's head. He snarled, maybe</p> <p>thinking he had to remind people why he was called after a dog, Arya</p> <p>thought. But maybe just pissed off.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Whaddaya want with me, Dondarrion?"</p> <p> </p> <p>Now she could see his face, Arya wasn't sure she hadn't been better off when</p> <p>the hood was on. The Hound was an ugly character, and had the face to match.</p> <p>He looked like he'd gone five rounds with a jar of wildfire, and lost.</p> <p> </p> <p>A man stepped forward, Thoros, the phoney priest. Only maybe he wasn't so</p> <p>phoney after all, now she came to think of it. He sure had a good line going</p> <p>if he was.</p> <p> </p> <p>"You're wanted for murder, buddy. And we're the jury. What I'm saying, you</p> <p>Lannisters been running loose around here, now it's time to settle the</p> <p>score". He smiled.</p> <p> </p> <p>"Who'd I murder, then? You got any witnesses? Thought not." The Hound</p> <p>laughed again. It sure didn't improve his looks any. "What I'm saying, you</p> <p>got a jury but no witnesses, you know? You're a little short for a trial"</p> <p> </p> <p>Dondarrion stepped forward. He looked a little rough, Arya thought. Though</p> <p>he'd been schlepping around the Riverlands for long enough, and Arya knew</p> <p>she didn't look like no day at the beach herself.</p> <p> </p> <p>"You and me, buddy. That's all the trial we need. You follow?" He drew his</p> <p>sword.</p> <p> </p> <p>------</p> <p> </p> <p>Author: mormont</p>

Modifica Annulla

Ned's Brain: Don't tell her you know about her incest.

Ned: I know about your incest. Grrr!

Ned: D'oh!

Ned's Brain: OK, that one slipped past, just don't tell her you're going to

tell Robert.

Ned: I'm going to tell Robert.

Ned: D'oh!

Ned's Brain: I'm getting out of here.

 

ROTFL !!!!

 

poi mi leggerò con calma gli altri!

<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="734" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>Ned's Brain: Don't tell her you know about her incest.<p>Ned: I know about your incest. Grrr!</p> <p>Ned: D'oh!</p> <p>Ned's Brain: OK, that one slipped past, just don't tell her you're going to</p> <p>tell Robert.</p> <p>Ned: I'm going to tell Robert.</p> <p>Ned: D'oh!</p> <p>Ned's Brain: I'm getting out of here.</p> </div></blockquote> <p> </p> <p><strong>ROTFL !!!!</strong></p> <p> </p> <p>poi mi leggerò con calma gli altri!</p>

Modifica Annulla

Jagen... potresti tradurre quella di Matt Groening......

Ciao :smack: :smack:

<p>Jagen... potresti tradurre quella di Matt Groening......</p> <p>Ciao <img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /><img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /> :smack: :smack: <img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /><img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /></p>

Modifica Annulla

Beh solo chi guarda i Simpson può capire sta scenetta ehehe, cmq:

 

Scena:

Un Ned calvo e abbondantemente in sovrappeso siede sotto l'albero del cuore, aspettando pazientemente l'arrivo di Cersei. Nel frattempo sta mangiando un enorme panino.

 

Arriva Cersei.

 

Cervello di Ned : Mi raccomando non dirle che sai del suo incesto.

Ned : So del tuo incesto!! Grrr

Ned : D'oh!

Cervello di Ned : Ok, questa ti è scappata, però adesso non dirle che dirai tutto a Robert.

Ned : Dirò tutto a Rober!

Ned : D'oh!

Cervello di Ned : Sto per uscire di qui.

 

 

Ciao!!

 

Jaq

<p>Beh solo chi guarda i Simpson può capire sta scenetta ehehe, cmq:</p> <p> </p> <p>Scena:</p> <p>Un Ned calvo e abbondantemente in sovrappeso siede sotto l'albero del cuore, aspettando pazientemente l'arrivo di Cersei. Nel frattempo sta mangiando un enorme panino.</p> <p> </p> <p>Arriva Cersei.</p> <p> </p> <p><em>Cervello di Ned</em> : Mi raccomando non dirle che sai del suo incesto.</p> <p><em>Ned</em> : So del tuo incesto!! Grrr</p> <p><em>Ned</em> : D'oh!</p> <p><em>Cervello di Ned</em> : Ok, questa ti è scappata, però adesso non dirle che dirai tutto a Robert.</p> <p><em>Ned</em> : Dirò tutto a Rober!</p> <p><em>Ned</em> : D'oh!</p> <p><em>Cervello di Ned</em> : Sto per uscire di qui.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Ciao!!</p> <p> </p> <p>Jaq</p>

Modifica Annulla

...questa dei Simpson è splendida...grazie Jaqen

 

pensate.... Ned- Homer

 

Cat- Marge

Sansa- Lisa

Robb- Bart

Spettro- Piccolo Aiutante di Babbo Natale

 

Robert B.- sindaco Quimby

Lysa Arryn- Telma (sorella di Marge)

Jonos Slynt- commissario Wincester

mi manca Ned Flanders...

 

as strong as stone

 

Waymar R. :smack: :smack:

<p>...questa dei Simpson è splendida...grazie Jaqen</p> <p> </p> <p>pensate.... <img src="/img/emoji/biggrin.gif" alt=":D" /> Ned- Homer</p> <p> </p> <p>Cat- Marge</p> <p>Sansa- Lisa</p> <p>Robb- Bart</p> <p>Spettro- Piccolo Aiutante di Babbo Natale</p> <p> </p> <p>Robert B.- sindaco Quimby</p> <p>Lysa Arryn- Telma (sorella di Marge)</p> <p>Jonos Slynt- commissario Wincester</p> <p>mi manca Ned Flanders...</p> <p> </p> <p>as strong as stone</p> <p> </p> <p>Waymar R. <img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /><img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /><img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /><img src="/img/emoji/closedeyes.gif" alt="&gt;_&gt;" /> :smack: :smack: <img src="/img/emoji/wub.gif" alt=":wub:" /><img src="/img/emoji/wub.gif" alt=":wub:" /><img src="/img/emoji/wub.gif" alt=":wub:" /><img src="/img/emoji/biggrin.gif" alt=":D" /><img src="/img/emoji/wub.gif" alt=":wub:" /><img src="/img/emoji/wub.gif" alt=":wub:" /><img src="/img/emoji/wink.gif" alt=";)" /><img src="/img/emoji/laugh.gif" alt=":lol:" /><img src="/img/emoji/laugh.gif" alt=":lol:" /><img src="/img/emoji/laugh.gif" alt=":lol:" /><img src="/img/emoji/laugh.gif" alt=":lol:" /><img src="/img/emoji/laugh.gif" alt=":lol:" /></p>

Modifica Annulla